An Unexpected Ending

I’ve been going over the details for a couple weeks now; I’ve vented to trusted friends and family, I’ve written about it in my personal journal, I’ve excessively poured over every detail of what the hell happened and all I feel is pure blind RAGE. I finally had to leave my abusive relationship and some unexpected things and feelings have come out of it.

Some context before I get into this long crazy ass story:

  1. His mother had just had all of her top teeth removed due to soft teeth and decay from smoking.
  2. Hunter’s 30th birthday was that weekend; I had spent a lot of time making him a huge bristol board painted card with hand cut out beers for effect and a hand made envelope made out of wrapping paper. I also bought him a very expensive metal detector (because he’s basically an 80 year old in a 30 year old body) and I was very excited to give them to him.
  3. I had tried to plan something memorable for his birthday for months (like an all expense paid trip to BC) but because of his work schedule and his negative attitude he shut down every suggestion I could think of, even the ones he told me he would want to do (but because it was my idea in the end it was garbage to him). So the plan ended up being a home made meal at his house with his parents and sister.
  4. He deliberately parks his truck in the middle of the driveway so I can barely fit my car just to piss me off. When I confront him and ask him for the 10th time why he can’t just pull up a couple of feet his excuses ranged from – “cause I felt like it” to “I didn’t want you to park behind me!” (I’m not allowed to park on the road due to snow removal so where the fuck am I supposed to park after driving 45 minutes out of my way just to come and see you… FUCK YOU!!!!)

March 10th 2017,

I went over to Hunter’s house like I always do every other weekend; he had just come off of his night shift that morning and I knew to wait until a bit later to go over to let him sleep in. When I got there, he again parked his truck inconveniently in the middle of the driveway. I managed to squeeze my car in behind him, huffed about it in the car for a minute, gathered myself and my things and went into his house. He was in a horrible mood and “helped” me with my things by leaving them a foot away instead of helping me bring them up to his room which annoyed me (it’s a small home, you can’t leave shit laying around and in everyone’s way). I put all my bags upstairs and went downstairs to see how his mom was holding up after her dental surgery. She was half way through telling me how the procedure went when Hunter came slumping into the room. Without missing a beat he starts yelling at his mom about how he has already heard the story a thousand times, that she’s disgusting and that no one wants to hear about it. While he’s yelling I told him calmly that I had asked her about it and that I hadn’t heard about it yet so it wasn’t her fault. Then he started yelling again about his mother being the reason that he’s afraid of everything, that she was to blame for a number of his issues and he just kept laying into her (probably trying to make her cry). I interrupted his rant and told him “if this was all so horrible then move out!!! This is HER house and if she wants to talk about her experience, she’s allowed!!” That shut him right up, he looked at me menacingly and let his mother finish her story.

Afterwards, Hunter’s dad came home and started on the mother about what she was making for dinner. She just looked stunned and said “I’m not making anything! I can’t eat solid food and I’m not going to spend an hour making something that smells amazing and not be able to eat it! You guys can figure something out!” The dad wasn’t impressed and stormed off. He came back a half hour later with a pre made pizza from the grocery store and still made her put it in the oven and bake it for us (if I had seen that I would of done it for her!). She set the table, cut up the pizza, served it to us and then left the room; once we finished she came back and cleared the plates and did the dishes and then finally made her dinner smoothie for herself. It was all really awkward and quiet, I just kept waiting for a fight between them all.

Hunter was still aggravated but needed to renew his license sticker and he needed to pick up some beer so after trying to get him motivated to do something he finally decided that we should get those things done.I was parked behind him so as he pulled out of the driveway I pulled in up front to get my spot in the driveway. I got into Hunter’s truck and he starts angrily asking me why I didn’t just park on the road and why I parked in that spot. I told him that it made sense so that we didn’t have to shuffle the cars around later.

We headed out and he started again about how much of a bitch his mom is and how I just don’t understand how annoying she’s been since her surgery. I just looked at him and said, “I would be an even bigger bitch if I had all my teeth removed and no one was helping me with simple things like dinner!” Hunter still kept his position and swiftly changed the subject because I obviously was not going to agree with him. He seemed to lighten up a little bit as time went on and then he decided that while we were out that we should go and visit a couple of his friends since we weren’t doing much anyway. I had no problem with that, and I was glad to be out of the house for a while longer. When we got to his friends house his mood did a one eighty; he was very cheerful and talkative and friendly with everyone. We stayed for a few beers and then went back to his house.

Hunter like always wanted to go and smoke pot in his garage so that’s where we ended up once we were back. His mom visited with us for about an hour and then we chatted for a bit once she left. I started explaining to him that me and my mom might look into getting a house together or living together since he didn’t want to buy a house with me after months of discussing it. Hunter kept telling me that he couldn’t afford it, that he didn’t want my name on the house contract, he’d look for houses without me or my opinion, he wasn’t taking it seriously and looking at homes way too far out of our/his budget. I let him know that it was just something that had crossed my mind, that would get me out of the situation I’m in now and that it would help me feel less dependent on him; and also that it would help lessen the pressure on him to buy a home with me. I thought it would make him feel relieved more than anything and I also thought he would just kind of nod along, it was just an idea nothing set in stone what so ever. After I finished explaining myself, he was silent and didn’t say anything. At that moment my 10pm alarm went off for me to take my pill so I told him I was going in and asked if he was coming in too. He didn’t look up at me, he just stood there and said “…give me a minute”. So I did and I headed inside.

Once I was up in his room, I started unpacking my pajamas and things like that like I always do, I was ready to just go to bed and relax. After about 5 minutes I heard Hunter come in, he raced up the stairs and came in the room. He quickly and harshly slammed his door shut and starts accusing me, “so what, do you want to break up or something!?? WHY are you going to move in with her!?! Obviously you’re not telling me something!!”. He progressively started getting louder and angrier with everything that I said; I told him to calm down, that I wasn’t thinking about breaking up, I was just thinking about my own future and that he needed to talk to me like an adult. I finished with explaining that he was the one who wouldn’t commit to buying a home with me and that he didn’t have the money to do so and that I had some money saved and was contemplating it. He retorts with “as if you have any money!” so I told him the amount that I have saved at the moment and he stared at me for a second and said “well if I knew you had that kind of money then we could of bought something!! I don’t even have that much saved!” (he makes about $11 more an hour than me and gets a crazy amount of overtime, etc. so that makes no sense; good to know that he’s horrible with his money though!!). He was at the top of his lungs at this point so I tried to tell him to be quieter because I knew his parents and sister could hear him (it’s always incredibly embarrassing to argue at his house).

Hunter started screaming at me, he wasn’t even saying words anymore he was just making weird aggressive noises and then started flailing his arms around and hitting his bed like a deranged rabid orangutan. His fists weren’t far from me and I quickly backed up into his closet and started crying. I felt like he was very close to hitting me and I was bracing and expecting him to start throwing things at me. Instead he dashed out of his room and ran downstairs, he started screaming about how I was breaking up with him and that I was starting shit. I called my mom right away and told her that I needed her to come and pick me up as soon as possible (she’s 45 minutes away and it’s about 10:30pm at this point). She let me tell her the events of the night and how Hunter had really scared me with his behaviour. While I was telling her my story, Hunter’s psycho sister Liz was standing in the doorway of Hunter’s bedroom with her arms and legs bracing against the entryway. She started screaming over me about how I ruin everything; and how dare I start shit the week of her mother’s surgery!; and so on (Liz you stupid cunt, why would I want this and start it on purpose, you delusional fucking bitch!!?). I tried to close the door but she wouldn’t let me, I dropped my phone on the bed and tried to slam the door again. Liz forced the door wide open, knocking me over and she lunged at me, harshly grasping the top of my arms and forcing me onto Hunter’s bed. I started flailing, grabbed her arms as well and started shaking her (I was seeing red) to try and get her off of me; and she screams “You’re acting crazy!!” I almost punched her in the fucking face! But my little voice inside me said not to because it would be 4 against 1 so I held back. I finally did a kick push combo to get her to unlatch herself. She fell on her ass and got up and ran to her mom screaming “I think she left bruises!!” I picked up my phone, and my poor mother is frantic and asking if I’m okay, (at this point everyone downstairs is screaming at each other) and Hunter runs up to the room. I start narrating what’s happening to my mom and tell her that Hunter is now there and she tells me to hand him the phone. She doesn’t even get a chance to talk before he’s telling her that “She’s [me] just going crazy!! She just started yelling!” My mom puts him in his place and yells at him “NO! I KNOW YOU STARTED THIS!! DON’T EVER LET LIZ NEAR HER AGAIN!!”

I got my phone back, grabbed all of my bags and things and hurried downstairs. One of my bags caught a plant in the narrow hallway and knocked it over and Liz starts screaming at the top of her lungs, “AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! She’s destroying the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” My plan was to get everything in the car and to meet my mom at Tim Hortons or a parking lot near by just to get out of their house. But of course, Hunter’s truck was now behind my car and I couldn’t leave. My mom is still on the phone at this point and telling me that she’s just getting her stuff together and heading out shortly. Hunter’s dad comes outside and he’s almost smirking, I tell him a few times that I was sorry about the plant and I didn’t mean to knock it over, it was an accident. My mom hears me and asks to speak with the dad, so I handed him the phone. He starts telling my mom that I am highly intoxicated and trying to drive, my mom just says “okay, whatever I’m on my way” and he hands me back my phone. The dad starts getting louder and telling me to give him my keys over and over again (it has my house key on it and I don’t trust them at this point to have my keys; I’m also abso-fucking-lutely NOT highly intoxicated!! Maybe a little buzzed but having 5 beers over 4 hours is NOT going to make anyone “highly intoxicated”). I was really upset with him for trying to make things look like it was all my fault and that I was just drunk and disorderly. I stuck to my guns and kept my keys in my fist and finally he gave in and just told me to come inside and wait for my mom there. It was really cold out so I angrily agreed and I just stood in the front doorway/front room area eagerly waiting for headlights.

Once inside, Hunter sat on the couch directly behind me and then the verbal abuse went from bad to worse. He was screaming at me about ruining his birthday, that I had a bad day at work so I was taking it out on him (my boss couldn’t give me exact change to pay me, so overpaid me $10.00 that will get taken off my next pay day… soo soo horrible right? Definitely a horrible day…Hunter’s a fucking idiot…) Hunter was just grasping at straws, anything to make it seem that I had been malicious in starting this even though he was the one who started it. I asked him to get me my dog’s food from the kitchen since his sister was in there, he just said “get it your fucking self” so I just quietly said to myself that I would just buy her a new bag (I didn’t trust myself not to attack Liz if I saw her fucking face again). When there was a break from Hunter yelling at me, his mom decided to get right in my face and yelled at me to apologize to psycho Liz because “this is her house!” (nice to know your fucked up kids can flat out attack people and then expect apologies – good job on raising these monsters! Oh and maybe mind your own fucking business! Your “kids” are 30 and 27…), I just stayed calm (tried not to laugh in her face) and told her that I absolutely would not be apologizing to her, that she attacked ME and has never apologized to me, and so on like that. She kept screaming at me to apologize and I just kept saying no and that I was leaving soon. After she finished yelling at me because I wasn’t engaging her behaviour then the dad starts screaming “HUNTER! SHES GOT YOUR PHONE!!!” and Hunter gets right in my face and starts yelling “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE!!!?” I cringed and put my hands up and said, “I only have mine!” so he could see I didn’t have it on me. Hunter ran up to scavenge for his phone and found it in his room where he had left it. Hunter starts yelling at his dad saying why did you think she had it!? He just replied saying that he thought my mom had called me on Hunter’s phone or something stupid like that (& Oh yeah, tell me again who is the highly intoxicated one? YOU!). And then the mom came back in and screaming at me saying “HOW DARE YOU try and corner my son into buying a home with you that he has told you he can’t afford, You’re not allowed to do that!! You can’t do that to people!!, etc.” She made it sound like I was gold digging with him to get a house, when really it was the opposite! Hunter was trying to leech off of MY MONEY to buy a house! He made that very clear earlier! So obviously she had no idea what the initial fight was even about. I just told her that she didn’t know what she was talking about and I just turned my back on her. After that, Hunter gets his face right next to mine and loudly whispers “I’m so excited to see you leave, I never want to see your fucking face again! You’re the fucking problem and this is all YOUR fault” and he starts kind of smirking and looking at me like I’m a disgusting piece of shit non-human who has ruined his life. He goes and roughly hands me my dog’s food and it rattles a glass candle ornament and again Liz starts screaming like if I just set their house on fire. I quietly apologized again but let it go pretty quickly, I was just happy to have all of my stuff. Hunter started yelling again about how horrible I am at communication and that I should have talked to him about the house situation in general. I just started yelling right back and said “HOW? I’m not allowed to talk about my job, my family, my friends, if I have a bad day, politics, or ANYTHING without getting fucking YELLED AT!!! So why the FUUUUCK would I try and bring it up?!?” Hunter didn’t say anything and I heard a little voice from the kitchen say, “Oh well that’s not good, that’s a lot of problems”; his mom had been listening and I guess thought if I apologized to everyone that Hunter and I would work it out up until that point…. They are so delusional it’s really scary.

I finally saw my mom’s car headlights and I didn’t say anything or look at anyone, I just grabbed everything and ran out as fast as I could! I dropped everything on the front lawn and just bawled in my mothers arms. She helped me to put everything in her car, and before we left I decided to show them how much of a thoughtless gold digger I was by leaving the hand made birthday card and metal detector that I had bought and lovingly wrapped for Hunter on their front porch and then we drove away.

March 11th 2017

I had slept horribly the night before, I cried for hours on end and I kept repeating “I can’t believe that just fucking happened!” My mom stayed the night with me to help calm me down. I kept thinking about all the horrible things that had happened, if Liz had keyed my car yet, what the morning was going to be like when I picked up my car.

We got up around 6am and headed out around 7am to get my car. I texted Hunter when we were close that “it would be greatly appreciated if his truck was moved before we got there.” My stomach was in knots because I really didn’t know what to expect. When we got to their house his truck was out of the way and I peeled out of their driveway and never looked back.

The Aftermath:

I thought that I would be heartbroken and depressed and all of those kinds of emotions that normally go with a break up. Instead, I felt RELIEF!! I could breathe again, no more walking on egg shells, no more getting yelled at, NO MORE ABUSE.

I installed a no contact rule for myself and have kept to it – he has contacted my parents and mutual friends to try and reach me but I haven’t reacted or called him back. None of his messages included an apology, an excuse, a reason, a “wow things got out of control..” NOTHING just “call me back, we can’t leave things like this”. Ummm YES I FUCKING CAN!

A big eye opener for me came a couple days later when a mutual friend of ours reached out. He told me that Hunter had told him parts of the story and that the reason he even left his room in the first place was because Hunter was afraid that he was going to hurt me physically. No wonder I felt so scared and attacked in the moment…

Hunter also altered some facts, again stating that it was a drunken fight and that there were things we weren’t working on that we should have discussed more (trying to seem like an adult in the situation). That he couldn’t confirm who started the fight between me and Liz because he didn’t see it… (she has THREE assault charges against her! but yes it makes sense that I would of started it considering I’ve never had a physical altercation in MY LIFE!). Hunter also made me out to be a pathetic mess and told him to reach out to me because he didn’t think I had any friends to help support me. (um I DID have friends before you forced me to stop seeing everyone!!). This “friend” also told me that he was happy to help Hunter and give him advice because of how heartbroken he is, that he really does love me and that they’ve known each other forever, but because I seemed so okay with the breakup that he didn’t want to discuss it with me anymore. Quite the double standard, fuck you too! (But I was glad to hear some of those new details at least.)

I’m also noticing now that I have attracted a lot of these abusers in my life and that I have never truly been away from one until now! Scary! My first relationship was abusive and full of lies and betrayal on his part, then I had a toxic best friend who just used me and didn’t support me, then after I ended that friendship I started a new one with the “friend” mentioned above who is also a drama seeker (that’s how we bonded, bitching about bad people including the first two I mentioned above ) and then he introduced me to Hunter.

I feel so much better knowing that I can start to heal from all of these negative toxic abusive and mean individuals. I also know that there is a grieving process but all I can feel is pure unaltered rage towards all of these people, I feel like I truly despise and hate them, that they condoned abuse and victim blamed. That they are truly fucked up in the head and that most of them must have some serious mental health issues. I’m enraged that no one stood up for me, that Hunter, the one I trusted didn’t have my back through anything.

I’m mad about the things I wish I had said or done – I WISH I had punched Liz square in the face and gave her a souvenir to remember me by; I wish I had yelled more, said more secrets, told them that I was pressing charges for assault and unlawful confinement, expressed myself more and so on. I do know it wouldn’t of mattered though in the end.

Overcoming the rage will come in time I know, and I am elated that I am away from the abusive behaviour that Hunter and his family exhibited. I’m happy that we didn’t buy a home because I’m sure this post would of been very different. I would probably be writing about why Hunter hit me again and hoping I can find a way out without it leading to more physical abuse or being afraid that he may go even further… Things could have gotten a lot worse if I had stayed or if I had gone back to him.

-I think I just saved my own life

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Saying thank you and meaning it goes a long way

I work in an admin environment and I deal with helping clients to start their home building process, I work with them throughout from the beginning all the way to the end and afterwards with their warranty items. I have a very hands on position in directly dealing with clients to schedule them in to meet with suppliers, contractors and our general builder.

In the beginning I normally get a lot of “thank you’s” and appreciation for quick replies and my professionalism in different situations. As time goes on though there seems to be a flip in attitudes towards me and it can really bring me down since I haven’t changed my work ethic and I can only do so much.

Because I work as a third party initiator in doing things like setting up meetings for two or more other parties, I’m the only one to really talk to if issues arise.

I have mostly positive experiences with a couple negative ones that hardly overshadow the good except for one scenario with one of my past clients.

I’ll start at the beginning:

The clients that we built for (lets call them the McDonald’s) were actually clients that we had built for already before I worked here, and they were ready to build something new and modern. At first they weren’t too bad because they knew what style of home they wanted to build, their finances were in order and they were ready to build when we were. After a few meetings with them, their attitudes shifted between excited to anxious and angry which was very hard to deal with, even for my boss. They couldn’t stay out of anything and would go to our contractors behind our backs and make decisions with them that we wouldn’t find out about until later. We work on a strict schedule so that there are never issues with our closing dates, so any changes like ordering siding without telling us and not letting us know that it had to also be back ordered because it wasn’t in stock doesn’t help anything. We still managed to close the house early. I always do the final walk through with the clients to go over any big warranty items and to explain how the warranty system works which is normally something I look forward to doing.

Most walk throughs that I do are a lot of fun because the clients are excited to start moving in, they’re excited to push every button and flush every toilet and they’re just happy to own their new home. When it came time to do the walk through with the McDonald’s I was not prepared at all for their attitude. As I stepped out of my car and walked towards them, I noticed their sour faces and sullen expressions as I got closer. I knew something was wrong and I wanted to address it right away. On the verge of tears, they told me the house was not cleaned to their standards, that two of the bathroom pipes were leaking and causing damages to their vanities, that there were issues with the paint, doors, fireplace, ceiling, floors, etc. I was overwhelmed by their negativity about everything and had them point everything out to me. Most of the items they were concerned about were regular occurrences like needing paint touch ups, drywall cracks, and things like that (which is nothing out of the ordinary). I was upset that my boss had not given me a heads up about the leaks, I was mad that these issues were not taken care of right away; I even ran back to the office and grabbed two of my own containers to keep the water from doing further damage.

After the walk through, I called my boss and told him about all of the issues and that I was surprised nothing had been done about the leaks and that I hadn’t seen that before. That’s when a lot of new information surfaced. 50% of the issues that the homeowners were peeving mad about, they had done themselves. The only reason their pipes were leaking was because they had loosened some bolts to allow the under cabinets to close properly… The drywall was cracking already because they had the fireplace blasting at full heat with no fan on. And just so on like that –

So their house closed last October; through Tarion, they get a 30-day list that we have about 6 months to a year to comply with and fix the items listed; and then they have a one year list where anything unresolved from the first list gets resolved within that following year. I have been working on the McDonald’s list since about November 2015 and it’s been horrible to deal with them (mainly the husband though to be fair).

As the admin person my only real tools to get things accomplished on these lists are my charm and persuasion to try and get the contractors to come out. The main issues in getting contractors to come out to fix warranty items are the facts that they have to pay for materials, labour, and travel expenses. It’s like pulling teeth to get them to come out and do warranty work. The only time they seem to be willing to do so is when they are in the area working on a new build for us. I’ve had to explain this to a few homeowners because sometimes they get frustrated over an item that should be an easy fix but has taken 6 or more months to have resolved. After I explain what’s going on with the contractors they stop sending me angry e-mails, and start just politely asking for updates or how to get in touch with said contractors.

The McDonalds on the other hand have needed me to explain this situation at least 5 times in the last 6 months. And it’s not them just asking me what the hold up is, it’s them berating me and blaming me for not getting the guys out there like if I’m holding things up on purpose. Every time I have to re-explain the situation I get more tense and frustrated and I know it shows in my responses. I just want them to stop accusing me and being passive aggressive to the point that I feel bad about myself even though I have no control over the contractors and their schedules.

I did manage to get some items sorted and fixed and I do update them every time a contractor lets me know they might be able to stop in to fix other issues. The thing to remember though is that a lot of the times the contractors will give me a heads up but it’s literally just a maybe and nothing set in stone so I’d say 70% of the time they don’t show. So I understand the frustration that the clients feel considering they get their hopes up (and mine) and then are disappointed when nothing actually happens. With saying that though, I know I feel vindicated when they finally do make it out and resolve a problem no matter how new or outstanding the issue is. Most homeowners also feel that relief and are happy to not be dealing with that issue anymore.

I managed to resolve some major issues for the McDonalds including working with our Mason who passed me along to his supplier who dealt with the stone manufacturer to resolve a stone stain issue (a certain kind of warrantable efflorescence). And after working with everyone and not being in the loop, having people ignore my phone calls and e-mails, having people lie to me, etc.; the issue finally got resolved. I worked really hard to have everyone take the issue seriously and to keep things moving along as best I could. (Because if you think about it, the manufacturer was already paid, the supplier was already paid and the mason already put the stone up and was paid).

Do you think I deserved a thank you for my troubles? At the very least a pat on the back for pursuing everyone involved and being persistent with my calls for action for months and months? NOPE! The husband calls me complaining that they had missed a spot on the wall and that he had to reschedule with them again and then started on about other items that are still outstanding.

They have a screened door issue where the door doesn’t glide properly and the track just needs to be adjusted a little bit. Is it an annoying issue? Sure. Is it obstructing the house from functioning as it should? Absolutely not. The contractors who will fix it were only going to look into it when they were working on a new build in the neighbourhood and they are finally here this week! I excitedly let the McDonalds know that I would be in touch with them sometime soon to figure out a schedule to fix all their outstanding items and be done with it. Do you think I could get a “thanks for letting us know”? NOPE I get a reply right away about how unprofessional this whole situation has been and that they have been so patient and that they want their issues resolved this week. So again, I DO NOT CONTROL THE CONTRACTORS!!!!!!!! If they want to fix it next week or the week after or the week after that, it is COMPLETELY out of my control!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

So since starting on this torturous journey with the McDonalds I have felt personally attacked; made out to feel like a bad guy in their eyes, selfish, lazy, not good at my job, and basically just telling willing contractors to not bother fixing anything (because that makes sense right? I’ve actually had contractors tell me they we going to take as long as possible because they couldn’t stand to be around the McDonalds).

Up until now I have felt beaten down by all of this because there was nothing more I could do about fixing their items and yet I was the one they were taking their frustrations out on. I felt really mad at them for putting me in this position where I can never do right by them and that even when I do something right it isn’t good enough. Today, after I got that e-mail reply about the screen door, a light bulb went off. I shouldn’t feel bad about myself, if anything I should feel sorry for them. What a miserable existence they are living. They can never be happy about anything, they can’t rejoice in the small victories, they can’t enjoy their $600,000 dollar home, they can’t just live in the moment; it’s always about what’s wrong and grinding that negativity into everyone involved in the issue of the day. How sad is that?

The scary thing about all of this is that we are just finishing up their 30-day list items, I can’t stand the thought of having to deal with them on their one year list for another year… But at least now I know for sure that I’m not the problem, they are their own enemies in all of this and nothing I can do will make them happy. By the looks of it, with all of the good things that they seemingly take for granted in their lives, nothing will.

I’m happy that I turned out the way I did, because I know in my heart if I stay at a middle class level or if I move up or if I move down, that I will always be kind to others and that I will give out the respect that is due to individuals especially if they are just trying to help me out in one way or another.  Graciousness, thankfulness, understanding and respect are probably the most important qualities in a human being.

 

Psychological Abuse; some of my experiences with it

I’m starting to get exhausted with Hunter’s behaviour and the arguments he starts for the sake of unleashing his anger and frustrations on me. Something could happen at work, he won’t tell me about it and then he finds a reason to yell at me to make himself feel better.

Last week was just about my last straw and I’ve been finding that I’m kicking myself now for not just ending the relationship when I had the perfect chance.

Here’s what happened last Saturday:

It was a normal weekend where I came up to his place like I do every two weeks. Friday was nothing special; I helped him with a couple boat maintenance things, we small talked and hung out with his family, and headed to bed fairly early for what we’re used to. Saturday morning he got up a little bit before I did and  I figured we were going to have a fun filled day. We have been working on his projects for the last 4 weeks that I’ve gone up and I was ready to just do anything else besides working on the boat, the trailer, etc.

The week before we discussed going to some hydroplane races that were taking place not too too far away, a new zip line that opened up near by, visiting my dad at his new place, going to a wedding reception and a few other random things like maybe taking my dog to a spot where she could swim. Friday night of that weekend, Hunter even told me that the boat was basically ready for a water test and that there wasn’t much else to work on so Saturday would be pretty open to do something fun.

I went downstairs after I got dressed and put my make-up on; I wanted to be as ready as I could be in case Hunter wanted to head out somewhere right away. Hunter was in the kitchen having a coffee with his mum and I went and made myself a cup. As I was stirring my sugar into my coffee I noticed Hunter being really short with his mother over nothing so I knew right away that he was in a mood. I sat down quietly making sure not to make eye contact with him to avoid starting something; I just wanted to enjoy my coffee. Hunter engaged with me anyway and happily asked me what I would like for us to do that day. In the moment and with his tone I decided to be bubbly back and told him all the activities we had discussed and the other random things I wanted to do, I even offered to drive everywhere. In hearing my response he flipped a switch and started full out yelling at me because “I knew” that we had to work on the boat and that there was no time to do anything and that he’d be too tired to do anything else. He belittled me saying that if I wanted to take my dog swimming to go do it alone because I’m a big girl and can do things myself. I was in total shock by what had just happened… I didn’t do anything wrong, I just answered his question and he had literally just set me up to fail so he would have a reason in his mind to yell at me.

I didn’t say anything else to him except that I refuse to take my dog swimming in the St. Lawrence by myself because going swimming by yourself in a current area is just stupid. Hunter showed me right there that he has no concern for my safety or well being. He replied sarcastically saying “what do you want me to do?! I’m not going to kill myself just to try and rescue you!”. I told him that I just need someone to know where I am who can call the coast guard for help if it’s needed, but it’s nice to know that common sense & my safety isn’t even something that’s on his mind.

I grabbed my now cold coffee and went outside and sat in a comfy chair on the back patio. Hunter presumably went to work on the boat after our fight. I decided that I would sit and wait by myself and if he needed me he would let me know, otherwise I wasn’t going to get in his way; no need to get yelled at more. His mom came and hung out with me off and on all morning. She eventually came to her son’s defense and rationalized his behaviour; she told me “he’s not good at explaining himself, what he meant to say is what are YOU going to do today while he works on the boat”. I almost lost it on her. Instead of lecturing her son about how he talks to women, and the trap he set for me; she talks down to me about not understanding “what he meant”. I just kind of nodded and went back to checking my Facebook and other apps to keep my mind busy.

Around 1pm in the afternoon, after sitting on my ass for literally 5 hours Hunter decided that he had worked long enough on the boat and was done with it for the day. He started off acting like things were normal and asked me if I was hungry. We decided to go to a new chip wagon to get some lunch and it went downhill from there. He started saying that he thought it was weird that I didn’t even come and visit him while he worked on the boat and was acting very hurt about it; I just kept saying like a broken record that I didn’t want to get in his way because I didn’t want to get yelled at again. As I was driving us to the chip wagon he asked if I was paying, and I told him that I assumed he was since I bought lunch for us the last time. He got all flustered about how broke he was and he pulled out a twenty saying that’s all he had and asked me if that was enough. I told him I’d turn around and go to the bank and I’d grab some money to pay for lunch and he told me not to bother. So we had some little awkward conversations most of the way and I made sure to tell him that I wasn’t quite sure where to turn to get into the chip wagon area and that he would have to give me a good heads up. We we’re coming up to it and I asked him where the entrance was and he starts telling me turn at the next left, he keeps saying right there right there in a more hyper tone so I really slow the car down and start to commit to the turn. At the last minute he tells me “or actually you can turn at the next entrance down there!” So I thought that I was turning into the wrong lane so I stopped for a second to correct the car to get to the other entrance. He starts going on about just picking one! “Just pick one, just turn!” So frantically I just turn into the first entrance because I was still right there. As I drive the crescent to the chip wagon Hunter starts telling me not to get snippy with him because I’m the one in control of the car, and I just had to use my eyes to see where to turn. I was really pissed off and I didn’t want to talk to him after that because had there been cars around it could of created an accident. He is a horrible passenger, in the past he’s make loud noises like “OH MY GOD” and “OHHHH!!” and things like that so I tend to rapidly slow down to avoid whatever the fuck he sees that I don’t and it’s always something he sees and gets excited about or a story he just remembered to tell me about. It really scares me in the moment, the sounds he makes make me feel like I was inches away from running someone over or something.

Anyway back on track to the story, I go to park but it’s a weird spot where I can’t pull in all the way because of a garbage can so I ask Hunter if he thinks it’s alright the way I parked it. And he says that he doesn’t understand why I parked there when I could of parked in this back area (that I obviously didn’t know about) so I left the car where it was and got even more upset. I was mostly mad that all I wanted was to be told where to turn and where to park and instead Hunter barely told me anything and made me feel stupid for the decisions I made without his help that I had asked for.

We ordered our food and sat quietly waiting for the guy to call for us. I asked Hunter if he wanted to eat there or if he would like to go somewhere else. He said he didn’t care so I asked if he would like to go to the old locks to sit and eat. He got sarcastic about my idea and shot it down. After that I didn’t bother talking to him, at one point he pointed out a sign about making signs and told me I should look into it for my work and I just responded saying cool or something like that. After about 10 minutes the guy finally reads out our order and we go get it right away; as I take my food I thank the guy and go. When we get back in the car Hunter sarcastically says “you’re welcome!!” in a mean way. I say “oh, thanks” just not wanting to start anything else. He then berates me about having said Thank you right away to the chip truck guy but not saying it to him right away and making me feel bad for not having done so fast enough for his liking. After, he asks “so where are we going to go eat this?” So I said at the canal like I said before because I think it would be nice to just put my feet in the water. He got really mad and said “I thought you said the locks!! Where are you talking about! You said two different places! Where are we going?!?”. (the locks and the canal are the exact same place and he knew damn well where I meant). I was on the edge of tears at this point, I didn’t say anything and as I pulled out of my parking spot I turned away from the canal and back towards his house. He lost it and started yelling that he had only asked me a simple question of where we were going. He started saying “just let me out! just let me out I’ll just fucking walk home”. I just kept driving. When we got closer to his house I told him I was going home. I ran up to his room grabbed my stuff and he followed me up still yelling about what had happened and how I was being malicious for threatening to leave. I grabbed my dog and headed back to my car. Hunter stopped me for a second to talk me out of leaving and at this point I was full out crying. Before Hunter could get out why exactly I should stay and endure his abuse he started mocking my crying and making fun of me; so I trotted to my car and got in it. We yelled at each other for a long time about how he was treating me that day and he yelled at me for my crying and “my behaviour”, apparently I was the one being mean…

His mom came out eventually and let us know that her and Hunter’s dad were heading out if we wanted to go and talk more inside. I felt really embarrassed since we’re yelling for all the neighbours to hear so I agreed to go inside.We just yelled and tried to talk for another couple of hours just going in circles. Eventually I told him that he can’t yell at me. I’ve told him that since we started dating and I told him that in FOUR years he should have it figured out by now that yelling at me just makes me cry and makes me feel so beyond belittled. He eventually said that he would try and work on it and asked me how he should change (which is ridiculous). I told him that I didn’t know, that maybe he should go into anger management or just not yell at me when he’s mad and to just talk to me. Right away he says, “fine! But you’re gonna be upset even if I just talk to you about issues that come up!” He couldn’t even see it as a positive step forward, it was still negative in his mind.

I eventually did leave after about 6 hours of fighting and yelling; we were still on odd terms and I told him I just needed to be by myself. He kept telling me that he wanted me to stay, that I was being mean and that I just kept starting fights, if I left I’d just call and break up with him when I was home and things like that, and I couldn’t listen to him anymore. I had a very quiet drive back home, I went to grab my wallet out of my glove compartment when I made it home and lo and behold… I also found Hunters wallet.

I just stared at his wallet in disbelief for a couple minutes and decided to text him to let him know where it was. No response. I call him. No response. I text him again, this time saying that I was on my way back and that I would leave it in his truck. As I was about to pull out he called me. He thought I was going to break up with him and so he wasn’t checking his phone so he could ignore me. He told me not to bother driving it back to him and we had a calmer conversation, I eventually told him that if he didn’t need it that night that I would drive it out to him the next morning when I had recuperated a bit more from all the fighting. I went to bed about an hour after that and had a great sleep by myself.

This is where I wish I had put more thought into everything that had happened. The next day I felt like I had to apologize for leaving, and looking back, I’m so mad at myself for thinking that way. I got all dolled up as best as I could and headed out in the morning to bring Hunter his wallet and I bought him a coffee from Tim Hortons. When I got there he was outside working on his truck, and I handed him his coffee saying “I brought this as a peace offering”. Even though Hunter should have been the one wanting to make peace not me. Later that day there was a big rain storm and their house started having little floods in the basement so I went out of my way to help locate them and put towels down and move things off of the floor. Then after all that was under control I offered to take Hunter out for lunch just so we could get out of the house and unwind a bit. While we were having lunch, Hunter suggested that we should drive twenty minutes out of the way to go shopping. I didn’t want to go but reluctantly told him we could go (I was driving). I did buy a few nice things for myself and it was a calm outing but I just pushed all the bad thoughts out and put on a happy face; I wasn’t being genuine with myself at all. That night, Hunter let me stay over and we “reconnected”.

Since then Hunter has already crossed the line with me twice and it’s only just been a week since all of that happened. In our big fight I had told him that he plays too many mind games with me and that it’s abusive. I also told him that I think it’s the worst when he sexts with me while he’s at work, because it doesn’t matter if I’m in the mood or not it’s like an obligation to keep him entertained and that he gets moody if I don’t play along with it. I also personally would just rather have sex. Instead Hunter usually just tells me how horny he is at work for hours trying to get me to sext with him and then when I see him next in person he wants nothing to do with me sexually besides maybe jiggling my boob or slapping my ass while I make him dinner.

So on Saturday night he was working his normal night shift, it was getting late and I was ready for bed so I sent him one of my normal goodnight texts. Around 11:30pm I get a text from him saying “Guess you found someone else to cuddle with 😦 xoxo”. I decided not to respond that night, and I had a horrible sleep because of it. The next morning I wrote out a big long text about why he would say that, deleted it and then called him instead. He didn’t answer. About two hours later he sends me a text “you called?”. I texted him back asking what he meant by his text the night before. Right away he texts back, “I was talking about you cuddling with your dog, figured you were on the couch cuddling with her.” So I wrote back that there’s no way I could have gotten that from the text he sent me and that he needs to be clearer by what he’s trying to get across. He responded saying, fine and if you call again you need to text me about what it’s about! I thought there was an emergency or something because you never call”. I couldn’t believe that he turned it all back on me like I did something wrong for calling and not explaining why I called, maybe he should have just answered his phone and he would of found out? Or called me right away instead of texting hours later. What if it was a fucking emergency!? That’s your response time?? If I thought there might be an emergency you can bet your ass I’d answer that call or call back right away.

Later Saturday and last night while Hunter was at work he tried hard to sext with me again and it was so so hard not to just yell at him about it. I couldn’t have been any clearer the week before about what I didn’t like and within a week was already playing mind games and crossing the line of trying to overly sext with me. He started asking me “what would make you wild”, “what are you going to wear for me”, “want to go to sex store tmrw?” (I have to drive an hour away to go there though, he couldn’t be bothered driving for once). I kept just kind of giving one word answers and eventually I just told him goodnight. I’m just so frustrated with him and our whole relationship.

I’ve been going over a lot of stories and details with my mom this weekend. I decided to fill her in because I was going crazy trying to organize my thoughts and it just wasn’t working for me. She thinks we’re not good for each other and I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him all weekend. It’s just hard when we only have set days to see each other, he’s coming over to my house tonight but I’d rather break things off when we’re at his house so I don’t have to hope that he willingly leaves my house and that way I can just leave.

I did a tarot reading on myself last night with a true love spread. I believe that the cards I pull and interpret are my inner feelings, not so much mystical spirits or anything. The spread basically pointed out everything I’ve been feeling, that I have a negative view of our relationship, that I’m being held back and controlled and that the relationship is just bad in general. I had two cards fall when I was shuffling and I always set those ones aside as a sort of post script message. One card was very negative about love specifically and the other one was very positive about love specifically (not many cards are dedicated specifically to represent love). I took them to mean that if I were to stay in this relationship that I wouldn’t be happy and that love would be synonymous with depression and if I moved on, I would find true love, lightness, fertility, and other great things that are important to me. It makes me feel like maybe I really am on the wrong path with Hunter. My mom is convinced that all of his family members have a disorder of some sort and now there’s no way to un see that, because there is definitely something majorly wrong with their lives in general, their relationships to each other, their relationships with others; its all just so unhealthy.

With Hunter the best comparison I can come up with to explain his thinking is to compare him and his family to the Stanford Rapist and his family. He sees himself as a victim and takes no responsibility and his family backs him up for that behaviour! Everyone he hurts deserves it for one reason or another in his eyes and it’s just not the way the world works!!! I feel like he has a narcissistic disorder that he can’t even recognize that he has, he sees nothing wrong with the way he has treated me and others (including his own family).

The biggest things holding me back from just ending things are that I have no social life outside of Hunter and his family, I’m afraid he’ll reveal things about me that might come back to haunt me, and that I’m 28 and so I might not have another opportunity to start a family before I’m too old. Because my thought process; let’s say I meet someone a year from now, we’ll probably date for two or three years before a proposal, another year for the wedding, so I’ll be around 33-35 before I can even start thinking about having kids and that’s only if I meet someone within a year from now… I was single for almost 4 years before I started dating Hunter. So even more realistically I’ll probably just miss my window to have kids all together. My mom was trying to be supportive yesterday and said, “well a lot of people just have babies on their own now a days!” that did not help.

I was thinking last night as well, that if there was another guy available that was interested in me who had a softer heart and shared more of my interests how fast would I move on to him from Hunter. And in my mind it doesn’t take long to make that decision. Which I guess tells me right there that I’m ready to move on whether there’s a better guy waiting for me or not.

I just want to be happy again, I want to stop crying all the time, I want to stop walking on egg shells and editing everything I say and do; I just want to be me again.

 

Reason #139490 why I have no close friends

It has been a while since I’ve felt the need to get my drama aired online to keep my sanity!!

Lots has happened since November, good, bad, & ugly but it’s all been managed and overcome and things just keep moving forward.

I wanted to write a new rant post because I don’t know how to express it to anyone and it’s bothering me a ton.

About a month and a half ago I had yet another urge to snoop, it was overwhelming and all powerful and I could not talk myself out of it. I hadn’t snooped in a good few months but it was the day after Hunter’s birthday and I’ve always been curious as to who wishes him a happy birthday over messenger. I got into it while he took a shower and I had a good look at the messages. I was a bit surprised by two of the girls who went out of their way to send him their best wishes. The first was a girl who I’ve mentioned before in Blind faith has no place in relationships

She was a supposed child hood friend of his that he deleted off of Facebook because he claimed she was stalking him and to prove to me there was nothing going on. In her birthday message I could tell that she was the initiator in all the little conversations and Hunter would basically just say thanks or something to that effect, which I can live with.

The second message that peaked my interest was from a younger girl that we had both met at a party roughly six months ago. She was incredibly flirtatious with Hunter and Hunter uses her as an example for if he was a cheater, he would have had the opportunity with her but that he obviously didn’t take her up on it. So I think that entitles me to a bit of fear over what the hell she’s doing messaging my boyfriend. The conversation was really innocent but I found it strange that she kept mentioning where she lived and playing to Hunter’s interest of boats and playing dumb about kayaks and which ones to buy (even though she supposedly lives in cottage country where I’m sure every single one of her neighbours probably has a fucking kayak).

Anyway the conversation was stuck deep in my head and all I kept thinking about is why are they even talking? This girl also just so happens to be a local and she is facebook friends with Hunters’ Sister (let’s call her El Cunto… or I guess Liz[ard] ). I thought I’d just casually bring it up with her and see what she has to say about this girls integrity. I had confided in Liz in the past about snooping and other issues and I trusted her to give me some good insights about Hunter and this other girl.

I told Liz exactly what I did, that I had gone through his phone again and that I found the conversation between Hunter and the other girl and what her thoughts were on the situation. She told me that the other girl and her actually had bad blood because a few years ago the other girl stole Liz’s then boyfriend. Liz told me how persistent she was, that I should be a bit worried and that it wouldn’t surprise her if she was sending Hunter nudes and things like that. The conversation ended up making me feel a lot worse and a lot more insecure, I didn’t really know what to think because there wasn’t any proof of any wrong doing on Hunter’s end of things but I definitely didn’t want to be emotionally cheated on again because I stayed quiet about what was going through my mind.

Later that week I manipulated a conversation to bring up the girl in question so that I could figure out where his head was. He brought up that they had talked and that she was asking him about kayaks. I got a bit defensive about it and asked why she would even reach out to him, and his response was that he’s a boat person so why wouldn’t she of asked him. Later that day, I straight up asked him if she had ever crossed the line and flirted with him in her messages. I wasn’t trying to make him feel attacked, I was just worried that Hunter was maybe keeping some information from me to protect my feelings. He ended up losing his cool and got very upset at me for bringing it up and that I should trust him already. We had an all day fight about it but eventually we talked everything out and things were good.. Little did I know what a little Lizard had hissed in his ear later that night.

Hunter came over to my house on a Friday which is unusual; he wanted to go into town to look at cameras and some other toys and I was happy to help him look for some good ones. As soon as I started driving, he was so negative and was lobbing me some low blows when there was an opportunity to bring me down. He was very impatient with me, very rude, couldn’t make a decision himself for anything, and he was just miserable to be around. When we got back to my house I told him that I had enough of him, I only wanted to help and I didn’t do anything wrong. Lo-and-behold he opened up like a broken dam and told me what was bothering him. Apparently Liz was waiting for him by the door to get home the night after our fight, Hunter would of just been feeling better and she told him everything. She told him word for word what I told her in confidence with some fun new details to make the storm that much harsher on me.

Hunter was understandably very upset by all of that information and I had to do a lot of quick thinking on my feet. I wasn’t sure how I could convince him I hadn’t gone through his phone and that I had just noticed the girl liking a lot of posts on his Facebook wall. My salvation came when he started accusing me of logging into his Facebook account from other computers or phones. I straight up told him that it could not of been me because in the past I have only ever gone through his phone, that I don’t know his passwords and that if it was me… he would have 1000 notifications not just 5 or so (which is the honest truth). So he asked me if you’re not the one snooping on other devices who is? and little Lizard came to mind, it makes a lot of sense that she would also go through his things because she told me she fucking has before!!!

Hunter and I worked through this argument that night and we have been pretty solid since then, just one other fight over time management and communication but we worked through that as well.

I go to Hunter’s family home every other weekend were Liz also currently lives. I have successfully ignored her for two of these weekends; giving her the silent treatment and pretending she’s invisible. She knows she fucked up because she’s doing the exact same right back to me and hides in her room as much as she can when I come over. And guess what lizzy the Lizard! I’m not fucking going anywhere anytime soon!!!! So I hope you get used to the smirk on my face every time you even dare to look at me.

I’m upset with her for so many reasons but the thing that hurts the most is that I actually thought we were becoming close friends. I wanted to be close friends with her because I know she’s going to be in my life for a while and I wanted to be on great terms with her. I have so much I want to say to her but I can’t; I still have to be in her presence from time to time and her mother puts her above all else (including Hunter). Their mother likes me a lot and I don’t want to be on her bad side that’s for sure.

I want to tell Lizard lips that she lost a really great person and that we could of been good friends and that she ruined all that. I want to tell her that I think she’s psychotic and an idiot. I want to tell her that she’s an asshole for literally trying to break me and Hunter up. I want to tell her that if she was going to speak against me she should have told me to just not talk to her about important things anymore. I want to tell her that if she doesn’t, didn’t or never liked me that she should have made that clear. I want to tell her that she is extremely malicious and hurtful to everyone, not just me.

She was dating a guy who lived about 6 hours away, she was having a rough day and asked him to drive down that night to comfort her. As soon as he got there, without anyone in the house knowing, she went outside and told him he was being too loud with his baggage and told him he wasn’t welcome to come in and stay. He then left and found a crappy Bates-like-motel to stay in. That’s what kind of person she is. Just an awful human being.  I have to roll my eyes every time I see her post motivational quotes about the world not being fair to her and about being a good person and pushing through, and blah blah blah. It’s so fake and infuriating to me that she makes herself out to be a victim when she’s a coward, a liar, a manipulator, a user; an inconsiderate, disrespectful and disloyal person, etc. I feel for all the men and friends that she’s had in her life; I even feel sorry for her immediate family who have to deal with her every day.

I once got up to use the bathroom before I got ready for work at Hunters’ House. I wasn’t in there for more than 30 seconds before she started screaming from her room that I was still in the bathroom and that she needed to get ready. I hurried up and got out, and told her that all she needs to do is let me know and talk to me and I’ll get out of her way, no need to scream. She then took an hour long shower, another hour to do her hair and make-up and then another two hours to sit on her ass before leaving for work… she’s always late I might add, and thank god I had my morning pee otherwise I would of had a long wait!

I told her a long time ago that if Hunter and I ever got married that she would be my maid of honour because I don’t have any close friends. She was so happy to hear that and told me how she never thought anyone would have her in their wedding party. I’m now considering having a modern wedding with no bridesmaids or groomsmen and dis inviting her to the wedding all together (or at the very least to keep up appearances, have it on a day I know she will be busy).

The other saddest part about all of this is that I was excited to have someone other than my mom to talk to and I feel really alone again. I just feel like everyone is so hell bent on creating chaos for those just seeking a little help and guidance that there’s no point in trying to make real connections with anyone.

tetwtwt

Bad Habits Die Hard for Everyone

So surprise surprise I had a chance to look through Hunters phone this morning and I didn’t even hesitate.

I checked his texts first and nothing looked suspicious, I knew all the names on the list so I didn’t bother looking into it much more than that. After that, I checked his Facebook messenger and I didn’t find anything super significant but definitely a couple things that rubbed me the wrong way.

The first one I found was of a girl I just don’t like, I don’t think there’s anything going on between them but I noticed that the conversation just kind of started from nowhere so I know he’s been deleting messages (red flag).

The second one I found was of another girl I’ve seen him talk to in messages before and of course there’s nothing really in there just him saying that she was looking really good, she just replied saying thanks. I also think he’s been deleting conversations there as well.

The third one I found bothers me the most because I can’t tell if its a serious comment or an inside joke or something. Again it just kind of starts randomly so I know there was more to their conversation but it’s Hunter saying “because you’re my secret lover ;)” There wasn’t any other context there wasn’t anything before this comment and there wasn’t anything in relation to that comment afterwards. Hunter messaged her a few other times with no responses until he says that he’s been trying for a long time to get a hold of her and that he must have her old number or something; and she just responds her number and doesn’t say anything.

I’ve obviously been thinking about this all day and doing my best to find anything of interest to me about them all through Facebook but I haven’t found much.

I’m just frustrated that after all the talks and fights over his online behaviour, he’s still going out of his way to be inappropriate (joke or no joke). I’d be a lot more relaxed about this as well if he had ever actually mentioned the last two girls to me. I have no idea who they are, he’s never discussed them with me and all I know is that they’re old college friends of his (and they are really pretty). It makes me feel weird too about the fact that he states that he’s been trying so hard to get in touch with the last girl, what was he trying to get in touch with her about? If they’re so close or whatever why has she never been brought up?

The main reason I snooped today more than anything was to see the conversation between him and another girl I’m not fond of. She was in the area, down from B.C. for the first time in a couple years and was really pushing to see Hunter.. alone (I was off and at home and wasn’t invited – reason#98649 why I don’t like her). Hunter and I actually had a big fight about it because I didn’t think it was appropriate and I was worried she might try something. At the end of our fight he told me that he wasn’t going to meet with her and we never talked about it again. I wanted to see if he told me the truth or not and how all that went down between them. There was literally no mention of her anywhere.. so again he deleted all their conversations.

I feel like because he knows I have a tendency to look at his phone that he had to up his game a bit and this is the result. He only (mostly) keeps appropriate conversations and deletes all the rest. It makes me feel even more worried now that he’s trying to cover things up and it makes me really uncomfortable. I feel lost in this relationship as well because there’s no way to get the conversations that he deleted, they’re just gone and now I can’t know what he’s really doing and saying behind my back.

With everything up until this point that I have found, I don’t think he deserves my trust at all in the emotional cheating department – I think I’m in the right for having my guard up on this. The only positive thing that I keep telling myself is that at least I only really found two inappropriate conversations considering the first and second times that I snooped he was being inappropriate with so so so many girls, so two doesn’t seem so bad…. except for the little voice in my head reminding me that it’s probably because he deleted the bad ones…

Home Sweet Hell

My future life has been on my mind a lot this past week or so, I’m feeling very frustrated and scared about how my home life is going to develop. I’m in this weird situation with Hunter where I’ve become a sideline witness whose just waiting for him to put stuff together for us.

The normal relationship progression in my mind is – dating, proposal, marriage, buy a house, live a little, babies. Something kind of in that order anyway –

Hunter wants to live on his own for a minimum of six months, I’ve known about this for a long time and I accepted it on the terms that he’s never gotten to live on his own so I understood his wanting to be independent for a bit. Hunter also wants to buy his own house, himself with a home that suits his needs. This would obviously be fine if it was a starter home that we lived in and maybe flipped right away and then moved to our forever home after… but Hunter wants this first home to be his forever home.

This scares me so much. Lets say he finds a home that is perfect for his immediate needs, but I hate it and it doesn’t suit me or any of my needs. I feel so left out of this process, I mean shouldn’t I get a say in what might be my forever home too? I’m also very worried that if I end up moving in and everything somewhat works out that he will use the fact that he owns the house as leverage against me. What if I want to paint a room, make some updates to the house; I won’t be able to make any executive decisions about the house without his explicit permission on everything. And the only argument he has to make if he doesn’t like an idea of mine is, well it’s my house! If we have a big fight, will he just tell me to leave and then I’ll be homeless? It is HIS house afterall…

Last night around 10pm, when I was in bed of course, that’s when he decides to tell me he has found himself the perfect home for himself. His needs and wants originally were; house that’s in good condition, forced air, enough room for his Bernese mountain dog (130lbs!), natural gas/propane, wood stove, acreage, barn to store boat/toys, full basement, garage with parking and work area all for under $180,000.00 –

The house that he says is just “perfect” is a floating home off of a canal worth about $230,000 – it comes with next to no property, no out-buildings, no septic or well (just holding tanks), baseboard heaters, it’s just under 1000sqft and there’s obviously no basement. It’s also only framed with vinyl siding; and to heat, there’s only a gas fireplace & electric heaters. To top it off as well, there’s no real yard and it’s a tiny house for a huge dog (let alone any future babies), it might as well be an apartment.

So just doing some quick math and observations: it’s $40,000 more than he can afford, plus; 20% house deposit ($46,000) 4% real estate fee ($9,200 aprx.), land transfer fee ($1000-maybe more with the little property being on the river), small out building he will have to build ($5,000+ permit $500), Insurance (risk ins. $350 + $300/mth), hydro (roughly $400-$800/month ), property tax ($4,000/year), lawyer fees ($1,500), boat storage ($400/year). This obviously also does not include his credit card debt, his student loan debt, his auto/boat/atv insurance, his boat debt, food, his four wheeler debt, vet bills, or spending money.

So on his own, right off the bat, he would need to pay out approx $60,000.00 – so basically he’ll have to get a mortgage plus another line of credit just to cover those costs – and still be able to make monthly payments on everything and survive. So right away he’ll be in about $300-$400,000 in debt with next to nothing to show for it… aweeeesome… Guess it’s a blessing in disguise since my name won’t be attached to anything?

He’s so fucking delusional!!! I pointed out a few of these things last night and he wouldn’t give it up! His mom is an enormous enabler (I love her but she made him this way & that pisses me off so much) – instead of telling him that it’s unrealistic, she had a great time figuring out how she’s going to decorate it…. Like for fuck’s sake, get both of your heads out of each others asses for one second and get a reality check!

So I pointed out to him as well that for $230,000.00 he could most definitely get a home in this area that included everything on his original wants and needs list and probably more! I looked today and saw a house for $210,000 with 16 acres, two barns, a finished nice old house, propane with wood burning fireplace, forced air and so much more. Then he could use the extra mortgage money to pay for the taxes and real estate fees. (If he can even afford that kind of a mortgage alone, I don’t really think he can though realistically). Oh and like I’ve mentioned, I build homes for a living and know all the in’s and out’s of buying, real estate, ,property, upgrades, etc. but sure, why bother asking me for any real life information structural or financial… because hey! It’s boat accessible!! …. not like I would like to have a say in MY future home or anything…Thanks Hunter for not including me in anything! It’s a great feeling you know, being mad, frustrated, scared, unsure, depressed all at the same time about you entire future! So yeah, thanks….

So from what I can foresee; he’s going to bankrupt himself with a home that doesn’t fit any of his needs, so we won’t be getting engaged, married, having children, traveling or just about anything…all because of him. After this mess happens, I will then have to buy my own small tiny home, that he will inevitably move into and use to store all of his shit (if it doesn’t all get repossessed anyway). And by the time that happens I’ll be too old to have children and too broke to do anything I wanted to with my life, because at this point I’ll just want to make sure I have something saved for retirement and old age because no one will be around to take care of me or take me in.  I’ll probably just end up dying of a stress related ailment before retirement anyway at this rate.

Why in the hell do I always choose these kinds of guys to be involved with?!?!?

I’m so so so so fucked.

Novelty Seeking

I have admitted that my snooping on others has been an on going problem, but I’ve never really thought of it as a potential disorder or imbalance. I decided to do a little research on it and to see if there was anything out there that I could relate to. I do find that in searching for personal things like this there is a lot of bias on my part but it’s the best I could do on my own.

The closest thing to a disorder or imbalance that I could find was an article on “Temperament and Character Inventory” (Also known as Tridimensional Personality (TDI)). In this personality breakdown there are are some character breakdown categories, one of which being Novelty Seeking. This characteristic is very strong in me, if this was on a scale from 1-10; I’d most likely be an 11. Novelty seeking is also broken down into four categories;

  1. Exploratory Excitability
  2. Impulsiveness
  3. Extravagance
  4. Disorderliness

I fall into all of these categories, but I especially relate to the impulsiveness issue. There’s a balance with everything in life and I feel like this part of my personality is out of control when it comes to snooping and having this uncontrollable need to know. I’m having a hard time figuring out if its a psychological issue or if I have some sort of chemical imbalance. The article states that it could be due to a higher than normal level of dopamine but it’s hard to control without medication. I’d like to be 100% sure what’s happening in my mind or body before I start taking medicine. I know I don’t have any of the big disorders so I don’t want to push my mental health by taking anything I may not actually need.

The reason I decided to look into this as a potential health issue was because of another snooping incident involving Hunter. Nothing at the moment is wrong in our relationship, I haven’t snooped on him in a while, he hasn’t done anything out of the ordinary and things have been really good as of late.

He came over to my house like he normally does and I asked him to hook up my new console with his Netflix account. As he was punching in his password on the console’s handheld screen, I could briefly see what he was typing on the actual TV screen. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t notice that I could see it, even just for that brief second between letter and dot. It was an easy password to remember and I knew his e-mail now too and my heart started to race. All I could focus on was the fact that I could now potentially go into his Facebook account and snoop at my leisure. I was so excited at how much fun I was going to have analyzing everything, who I would see him talking to, what he was saying, past messages he’d sent, and just everything I was going to learn and see in general without fear of him walking in on me doing it. I’d be invisible, I’d be stealth and secretive and be in the know for all his relationships with everyone. It was such a high just to even think about, I dreamed about it, I was constantly thinking about it, it was going to happen.

The next morning, as soon as he left I went to try and login to his account; but before I could commit to it I decided to research a bit and make sure he couldn’t find out I was on it. Facebook has definitely upgraded its privacy and I was worried to try because it looked like it might contact him since it wouldn’t recognize my computer. Instead, I decided to try his e-mail account so that maybe I could even just check out the past facebook e-mail notifications. I thought that was very harmless, it’s just an e-mail account right? WRONG! I logged in, and got into the account no problem; it was a waste of time though because there weren’t any facebook e-mails. I logged back out probably within a couple of minutes since there wasn’t anything there that I wanted to look at. After about twenty minutes since that incident I got a text from Hunter asking what the hell I was doing in his e-mail. It had sent an e-mail to that account as well as an e-mail to his back up account and maybe more. He told me that he received the e-mail and that it said someone logged into his account from my hometown. I was petrified; did I just break us up? Did I just unintentionally end things for no reason? So I lied on the spot. I told him that it couldn’t of been me since I don’t know any of his passwords and that the only thing I did was log onto his Netflix account which uses that particular e-mail account. I kept telling him that it was the only thing that made sense to me, since it was sort of connected. I was really worried that he was going to call my bluff on the not knowing his password thing but I guess he really didn’t notice. Hunter ended things by just telling me not to worry about it and I told him that it was okay, because I’d ask about it too if that happened to me.

I think he knows obviously what I did, I assume that he’s just trying to be the bigger person and let it go even though he was definitely entitled to ending things. I saw him later that night and he never brought it up so I think it’s done with but I could also see him bringing it up in future arguments.

It really scared me that I could of lost him over something that I did, which I shouldn’t have done what so ever. I just felt like it wasn’t going to hurt anything to find old facebook notifications but it really could have. Even if I did find old facebook notifications, good or bad, I wouldn’t of been able to ask him about it without proving that I did go through his e-mails.

That’s my biggest problem with all of this is that I’m always frustrated! I’m frustrated when I can’t get into Hunter’s Facebook, I’m frustrated when I only have limited time to snoop on it or through his texts, I’m frustrated with myself when I don’t find anything or I’m frustrated with Hunter when I do find something (old or new), I’m frustrated when I can’t bring it up, I’m frustrated when I bring it up and he’s mad at me compared to whatever he said to who ever. And then, I’m frustrated because I don’t know if he took what I said seriously, I’m frustrated in thinking that he may be doing it again, I’m frustrated to the point that I want to look again – and then the cycle continues. I’m never satisfied, there’s always a “but what if” lingering in the back of my mind. My inner voice is constantly trying to convince me to snoop, what if there’s something to find and what’s the worst that will happen if there isn’t anything to find. Wouldn’t you rather know either way? If he’s up to something you can leave him and if nothing’s going on you’ll be reassured!

That’s why I feel like there’s something wrong with me on some level. I know curiosity is a normal human trait but when it’s all I can think about, it’s all I want to do, my biggest goal would be to be able to privately browse his whole account without him knowing; that would be the ultimate high. That sounds like a pretty obvious personal problem to me but it’s the truth in what I want right now.

Psychologically, I know I have boundary and trust issues that have been a long stemming issue in my life. I’d like to blame it all on my ex but I still feel like it’s something in my own internal psyche. I snooped on my ex constantly; I did have his login information for all of his e-mail accounts, his facebook and messenger and so on. I could get onto his laptop without him knowing all the time and go through his saved pictures, videos, and documents just in case there was something to be found. Even though I did this all the time, even though I confronted him when I did find things, and even though nothing I found or didn’t find mattered in the end. I still never broke up with him, I still had that intense urge to snoop, he still managed to cheat on me without me knowing, and in the end dumped me so he could date younger girls. (He started university late, he was around 21 or so when he got into first year and lived in residents with a bunch of 18 year olds, go figure I guess).

So if snooping never resulted in anything, it didn’t shape anything, it didn’t change my ex for the better he just got sneakier, than what’s the point? I guess if you have your mind set on cheating you’ll find better and more discrete ways to do so, especially when your girlfriend can get into all of your social media accounts.

I think the appeal for me is more for the secrecy, it’s like reading someone’s diary and being able to analyze what they’re like behind closed doors. So it’s not so much that I think snooping will somehow help me figure out our relationship, it’s more for finding out what he thinks of our relationship and me with his online behaviour and other things I may not know about him.

Maybe I have an acceptance disorder, where I always feel like no one really likes me. So having found messages of him flirting with other girls initially just fueled my fire that he really is just keeping me around until one of these girls flirts back. I talked about some of these issues to my mum, and she thinks it would be good for me to actually see a therapist. I just see so much causation for why I am the way that I am, I don’t know what else a therapist could actually tell me that would be new information.

Self Exploring; Childhood Life

I’ve always wondered if I suffer from a mild post traumatic syndrome or if I’m mostly just depressed or anxiety filled. I decided to write this because I have a crying reflex that is completely out of my control when I’m in certain situations. It’s embarrassing, frustrating, mortifying in some cases and it opens the door to be openly mocked (“oh, heeere come the tears!”, “oh what? You going to cry now?!”). I want to go over my childhood to be open about why I am an emotional mess when I’m in frustrating circumstances.

When I was born, my parents were very active in the military peace keeping program and routinely left on a rotating schedule every six months or so. One would go to somewhere like Rwanda and then as soon as they got back the other one would leave for somewhere like Bosnia. This routine continued for about 6 years of my life straight and eventually the tours became less and less but the situations and war zones that they still went to were not any easier to cope with.

I remember being very little maybe around two and both my parents were sent away on courses so I had to be looked after by my babysitter for about three weeks. It’s weird thinking back to that time because, I can feel right now how I felt then; is this my life now? Why aren’t I at home? Where are my parents and are they okay? Are they ever coming back? Even though I didn’t fully comprehend their job and what they had to do for a living, I somehow just knew that what they did was potentially dangerous.

When we moved to Trenton I thought I would be welcomed by my new Kindergarden classmates as I knew the school was close to the base and there would be kids who would be in the same situation as me. I quickly discovered that being a half anglophone/ half francophone that I would not be accepted by the fully french students. They didn’t talk to me and avoided me like the plague just in case my English rubbed off on them or something. I was ostracized for something so menial and I still feel like I missed out on developing good social skills because of this. In the six years that we lived there I barely made an acquaintance, I was routinely picked on or made to feel invisible.

My home life in Trenton was a strange way to grow up as well. We lived out in the country where there wasn’t anyone to really play with so I played by myself outside or in my room for the most part. My brother was born about a year after living there and I honestly don’t remember him playing a role in my life until he was about 3 or so. I vividly remember him at this point in time because, out of his own feelings with our unique situation, he took the role of little brother to a bullying level. I think it was his way of getting my attention, because I think up until then I ignored him for the most part. Instead of thinking of him as an instant friend, I always thought of him as in the way and I hated that at that young age, he was able to be socially accepted by his peers and of course he was the baby and got more attention from my parents. It sounds silly to me typing that out, but I really think that was the base to my reasoning.

I spent a lot of time alone, I was very quiet, and I liked to stay occupied. I did a lot of puzzles, reading, playing with my barbies and things like that. I also know that I was very quiet because I was conditioned to be by my parents and care givers. If i was too loud after or before school I would get shushed, told to play in my room and told to be quiet. I’d be told things like “Mom and Dad had a long day, they need quiet and alone time”; so eventually I just learned to be quiet until they came to me to talk. The only time I felt it was okay to speak freely was at dinner time, but by then I didn’t want to talk anymore; dinners were always so insanely quiet, it still drives me insane to hear people chew because that’s all I heard at the table growing up.

Another big part of my childhood was babysitters; we probably went through about 5 babysitters in the six years that we were living in Trenton. I only really liked one of them, there was always an issue with the other ones…

One of them had no interest in the kids she babysat, she only cared about her three children. She’d brush my long hair without stopping for knots, ripping out chunks at a time and yelling at me to suck it up when I’d groan in pain. She spanked my baby brother for dirtying his diaper, which leaked onto the couch. I was almost hit by a car trying to save her son who was sitting in the road while she gossiped with neighbours; I pushed him out of the way and we we’re both alright, she yelled and punished me for “almost killing her son”. A car almost backed into me while we were out for a walk and she yelled at me for not noticing it. Keep in mind I’m about 4 years old in all of these scenarios. I finally told my mom what was happening there and she took us out of there immediately.

The next babysitter was also very focused on her own children but she did take the time to make sure we had activities to do and things like that. What I distinctly remember about this woman was that she scared me, I didn’t feel like I could ask her for anything and she was very condescending to me. I was in the first grade at this point and her house was across the street from the school and I had to walk to and back from school by myself, she never accompanied me which I don’t think my parents knew about (they might still not know). My first grade teacher was just like her, she’d yell at me in front of the class for things like yawning without covering my mouth or chewing on my hair (this was my preferred nervous tick). I became so scared of her that I refused to ask her to go to the bathroom for fear she’d criticize me in front of the class. My mentality was if I provoke her when I don’t even say anything what will she do if I open my mouth and talk? I still had no real friends and no support at school or at my babysitters so I ended up routinely pissing myself. I’d hold it all day as best as I could and eventually it would just happen out of my control. I vividly remember getting a recess detention and thanking the lord because I had just peed myself and I didn’t have to get up so no one would notice. I sat in my own pee for at least 2 hours, ran to put my snow pants on when the last bell rang and waddled as fast as I could back to the babysitters. When I got there she just rolled her eyes at me, and said “uh! again!?” as she took off my snow pants. She made me sit in a corner in my wet pants on a towel until my parents picked me up. They were obviously offended by her lack of action and we never went back.

The next babysitter was a woman who I only vaguely remember. We stopped going to her because she was really weird. They had a pool so we would bring towels and bathing suits and swim after school which was fine. One day I forgot my absolute favorite Pocahontas towel (I was very emotionally attached to things at this point). The next day as my parents were picking us up, I asked the babysitter where my towel was because I wanted it back. She kind of laughed and giggled and said that it had gotten lost. I asked how and became emotionally upset and her son who was about 7 or 8 piped in that they had been robbed and all they took was my towel. The babysitter backed up his story and made an elaborate story up about how the “burglar” climbed through a second storey window, took my towel and then left. We never went back to her after that incident.

In third grade, I had mastered holding my pee in all day, I wasn’t having accidents anymore and I was developing some small school friendships finally. Nothing life long lasting but having people to just talk to at school without me feeling constantly rejected was great. The babysitter at the time was also pretty normal, it was her son that made things weird one day when he decided to play “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” with me. He showed me his penis and I then refused to show him my privates, as he was trying to pull down the front of my pants his mom walked in and lost it on him. Of course, being the nice and good babysitter that she was she told my parents about the incident and again we never went back.

The last babysitter that I had was great, I still have her on facebook almost 20 years later. She only took care of us for about a year before we were posted to Petawawa.

When my family moved to our new hometown, we were in a really nice suburb with lots of kids around to play with. I again expected to make a lot of friends with similar parental experiences as me, but I found out pretty fast that it was only maybe 1 in 20/30 kids who had one parent actively going on tours. As far as I know, me and my brother were actually the only ones to have two parents touring to war torn countries.

I remember my first week of school, I was very socially stunted and I didn’t make an effort to reach out to the kids in my class. At recess I would hang out alone or I would find someone who I thought was my age and play with them. I think this demonstrates how stunted I was, because the kids I was seeking to be friends with were all in grade one while I was in grade four. On an emotional level I honestly felt like I was their age and I felt accepted by them. One day, a student in my class took me aside and told me I was hanging out in the wrong part of the school yard. All the grade four students hung around the monkey bars and she brought me over there. After that I never tried befriending younger kids, I ended up making some school friends after that and that helped a lot.

My relationship with these four other girls was really odd looking back on it. I could never just be happy to have them around, I was always anxious and accusing them of not really wanting to be friends with me. I was always suspicious that they were against me and didn’t actually like me at all. There were a couple incidents that happened where I think I was validated for thinking that but for the most part they we’re just normal 9/10 year olds who weren’t plotting against me every chance they got. I very much denied myself true friends because of my past at the other school; I always thought they had an agenda against me when they really didn’t.

In Petawawa my parents each went on a couple tours in the four years that we lived there. I remember crying a lot but being more extroverted in making new friends and trying to seem cool. All my friends were girls and when my mom was away, my dad didn’t really know what kind of advice to give me. I again feel like I missed out on developing better social skills because no one understood what I was going through. The only real time I felt understood with the military lifestyle was when I would get called out of class to go and meet with special force Councillors who would gather all the students with parents away on tour. We would make crafts, letters, drawings that would all get sent away to them and while we were working away on them, the Councillors would ask us how we were holding up and what we thought they were doing over there and why it was important for them to be there.

After grade four, my parents decided that I was mature and old enough to babysit my brother before and after school so we didn’t have to deal with crappy babysitters anymore. I honestly still think that was the best decision they made and it boosted my independence greatly.

At the end of grade seven my parents sat my brother and I down with some chocolate milk and told us we were moving again. I was so happy to be moving somewhere new, I wanted another do over. I learned that every time we moved I got better socially and made more friends because of it. I was excited to get out of Petawawa and leave everyone behind. I think that’s also odd because I had made strong bonds with a few of the original girls I first made friends with and I couldn’t wait to leave them in my dust. I think that through everything I still felt like they weren’t my friends at all and that they wouldn’t blink an eye when I moved. I actually have them all on Facebook now and I’ve run into a couple of them in the last few years. We’re not good friends or anything but it’s a constant reminder that they could of been.

Our last move (which I won’t name because I still live in town) was just like the move to Petawawa. I made friends with the neighbourhood kids and quickly realized that in small towns you’ll never fit in as an outsider. I was kind of popular the first year because I was new and at the time there hadn’t been a new kid for years. After that though no one cared about my “newbie” status and I was left to fend for myself in high school. You could only be in a certain clique if your parents were friends while they were pregnant (honest to god). I’m actually witnessing the cycle now that some of those girls who wouldn’t let me be in their group as kids, are now pregnant and I’m assuming it will be the same thing with their children.

I won’t go into too much detail here because it was pretty basic; it was awkward, embarrassing, fun, horrible, normal and weird as fuck. I think just about every teen could associate with what I went through in high school because it was so textbook.

This is basically what my entire childhood came down to, are these details above. If you’ll notice I don’t mention my extended family. Although they played a role it wasn’t anything besides weekend visits and things like that, they really didn’t have anything to do with shaping me as I was growing up. My grandfathers had passed away between when I was born and a year old; I only saw everyone else once or twice a year and I come from a small extended family that you can count on two hands. After being exposed to what its like having a close knit big family through Hunter; I also feel like I was deprived from developing skills to connect to my family outside of my parents and brother. I still can’t just pick up the phone and call any of them, or meet up with any of them outside of family gatherings. They don’t reach out to me beside the odd birthday card and that’s about it.

After going all over this, I think I may be an irrational crier because of all the obvious pent up frustrations that I have. Between my parents working in dangerous environments and being aware of that; my inability to connect to others, my distrust of others including peers and adults; never feeling secure because of all the moving, and the pressure I put on myself to be the most respectful, thoughtful, responsible daughter/person that I could be to make things easier on my parents or people I was and am involved with. The last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone.

So whenever more frustration, conflict, arguments, confrontations, etc. come up in my life, it sends me over the edge and I can’t help it. This makes me feel like I’m losing more control which makes me even more emotional, which makes me cry more, which embarrasses me, which makes me more frustrated, which makes me cry harder and repeat.

Updated Developments & Thoughts

My Parent’s Divorce:

Things have really started to move along in their break up, the house is for sale and my mum moved out into an apartment already. I’ve barely talked to my dad besides the odd text just asking me about something or another. My mum can’t stop venting to me about how horrible my dad is as a person and asking me to snoop on his Facebook page.

I had a little bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago, I feel really alone in this because I have a brother who has one hundred percent removed himself from all of this. He hasn’t talked to me about anything, asked how I am since I’m in the middle of things, offered to take turns consoling our mum or anything like that; the whole situation just involved me right smack in the middle. I went on a day trip so my mom offered to watch my dog for me. When she dropped her off the next day I was so exhausted and I just wanted to be alone and relax so I was hoping for a quick hello and goodbye. I ended up having to deal with some sub contractors who dropped in while she was here, so I asked her to hang out in my room while I sorted out their stuff. When they left I went to go get her and let her know she could come out, and all I could smell when I walked in was pee. My dog had peed all over my bed and I mean blankets, sheets, mattress… It was a big mess. I just broke down balling my eyes out because I don’t have a washing machine & dryer  here, I’d have to go to my dads and spend 2-3 hours sitting there while the laundry was in. I already had dinner plans and a relaxing night planned out by myself and it just felt like the last straw. My mum ended up offering to call my dad to see if I could go over and do laundry. I kind of lost it on her and told her I was done being put in the middle, I can call him myself. I was still really upset and she ended up calling him and going over to do it herself. It was such a frustrating and defeating moment because I could of taken care of it like an adult and instead I totally broke down.

On another note, I was doing my own laundry at my dads yesterday like I normally do. I always like walking around the house and checking out my old room and stuff like that. While I was walking in the hall I noticed a bath robe that was definitely not my mothers. I decided to snoop around a little bit and discovered some girls make up, hair care things, toothbrush, clothes. Definitely not enough stuff to say that they are living together but enough to suggest that things are somewhat serious with them. My dad hasn’t uttered one word to me about dating anyone which really pisses me off because I feel like I’m entitled to know as his daughter (and my parents are still legally married). Especially since he knows I come over to the house once a week, obviously I’d notice eventually!

I feel really left out of his life and I feel too overly involved in my mums, the balance is so far off in my relationships with them it’s going to start straining soon I’m sure.

My relationship with Hunter:

I haven’t snooped or anything since my last post so I’m proud of myself for that. We’ve had some really good moments this summer like going to a great concert and very much enjoying each others company and things like that.

This week has been really different with him though, I feel like he’s just getting bored with me and he isn’t interested in putting much effort into me. It was my birthday on Saturday and just like the last 3 years, we went to the islands for the weekend. It’s been fun in the past so I expected just as much and was looking forward to it. The first night was pretty good, I had a great buzz on and one of our good friends came out to celebrate too. Later on though things got odd, we tend to fool around once everyone has gone to bed and it’s always silly and fun and sexy. This time though I could really tell that Hunter wasn’t into it at all, he had no energy, was barely moving so I had to do all the work. So after about 10 minutes of that I stopped and told him I was going to bed. He was upset because instead of listening to what I was saying about him not being into it, he morphed it into me being mad because he didn’t get me to “that point”. I went to bed by myself (because the boat is too small for us to sleep together) and cried myself to sleep on the morning of my birthday. The next day I was really really sick and hung over, I didn’t start coming around until about four or five. It was really bad and the whole time hunter couldn’t leave me alone because he was bored; I think that’s why it took so much longer to recover since he wouldn’t let me really sleep. Later that night Hunter decorated the island with balloons, brought out a cake, and more friends showed up and we had a good night with them partying again. I was talking to one of the girls and she points out that this seemed a lot more like a birthday party for Hunter than it was for me; and I had to agree with her. At about 2am we were blasting music on Hunter’s boat and after about three songs he said he was going to call it a night so we’d have to shut down the music. I really wanted to listen to just one more song so I tried to persuade him on it. He turned around and said that I had to turn it off, and that it was my own fault for not just getting over my hangover earlier to have fun. So basically he was mad at me for being sick on my birthday… So again, I went to bed alone and angry and shed a few more tears. On a side note, Hunter didn’t actually even go to bed until like 4am with our other friends.

The next day was more relaxed and I avoided Hunter a bit and I was happy when a convoy of boats came by with other people I could hang out with. We were exhausted by the time we got to his parents house; they had made a great birthday supper for me. They got me a really expensive purse and wine and I finally felt like it was more my actual birthday celebration. His mom couldn’t stop saying nice things about me and saying that I deserved to get nice presents since I put all my money towards bills, I never spend much on myself. Hunter just gave me a card that he just signed, some cash and little anchor earrings. It didn’t feel personal at all and it felt like his parents upstaged him incredibly. That night I went to bed around 9, and again Hunter didn’t bother coming to bed with me so I fell asleep and woke up in the morning and left for work.

The weekend just felt like it wasn’t really for me at all, nothing about it expressed who I am and what I like to do. I just followed the crowd and did whatever everyone else was doing. And I know this is a small thing to complain about but I always go out of my way to publicly write on his Facebook how much I love him and all my well wishes for him on his birthday and on our anniversary; but he never wrote happy birthday to me or anything. When I asked him about it he just said that he isn’t good with words and left it at that. He’s always done it before and written nice things, so I don’t know what the problem was there.

If I could of celebrated my birthday the way I wanted to, I would have done something exciting like white water rafting, zip lining, whale watching or something along those lines. Things I don’t ever really get to do, not something we’ve done every other weekend this summer. Hunter didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do until the day before we were supposed to head out and I had already bought our groceries and beer for the weekend so I wasn’t about to change my mind then.

In a totally different direction, there’s this girl that Hunter met about a week before he met me. This girl (let’s call her Nellie) is about 5 years older than him, moved to BC about 2 years ago and has a boyfriend. Hunter and her talked every now and again but I always and still do get this gut feeling that they both wanted more at one point or another. I knew that Nellie would go out of her way to hang out with Hunter so I made sure to tell Hunter that I’m ok with it if they hang out so long as he tells me about it. I am absolutely fucking not ok with it at all, but I figured it would make me feel better to be in the know instead of Hunter sneaking behind my back to meet with her. I still don’t understand their friendship at all and it really upsets me that she’s one of two girls out of 100 that I’ve met through Hunter that I don’t like; yet he absolutely has to hang out with her apparently. She wants to meet up with him for coffee next Monday before she leaves and as far as I know that’s about it. Pretty innocent but considering they’ll be alone, and both have the whole day off… It really freaks me out that something more might happen (especially with the crappy weekend we just had). Hunter is coming over tonight though luckily since he works all weekend so I’m hoping to explain some of my fears to him. I want to be a good trusting girlfriend but it’s just so fucking hard when I know his history. There’s also another parallel with an ex of mine who had the same kind of meet up with an old friend and he ended up cheating on me with her (and telling me about it and why I shouldn’t consider it cheating which was nice of him I guess…)

I wish I was better at expressing myself in what I need from him and how I expect this breakfast hang out to go. I just need to know that they are going to meet at the restaurant and then leave in separate cars afterwards and then that will be the end of it. Am I asking too much or sounding too insecure? Yes and no I think but I don’t know how to find that sweet spot where I come across as a caring girlfriend who has a couple concerns and then in return get reassured by Hunter without any animosities or drama.

I’ve already gone over a bunch of scenarios in my head where I publicly write on Nellie’s facebook wall and ask about how their date is going, or if she’s enjoying borrowing my boyfriend for the morning. That way everyone including her boyfriend, Hunter’s parents and their mutual friends see what she’s really up to. But that’s just the crazy psycho girlfriend thoughts that I’ll never actually do speaking. I’ll just end up bottling it all up, not saying anything more about it, and hoping that I still have a non cheating lying boyfriend come Monday afternoon.

I don’t know why I bother dating anyone, I’m so unfit as a girlfriend and there’s no happy endings for anyone so why bother trying. Maybe if he does cheat and it comes to light, our break up will just be the best thing for both of us. I hate feeling this way all the time, I can’t wait for the day that I can afford to get some real therapy to work through my mountain of issues.

Information Hoarder

I think I might have the worst impulse control that a person could have when it comes to snooping. I already wrote a bunch of posts about looking through Hunter’s phone and finding or not finding things, but I figured I’d write another one since I did it again.

I had another moment of weakness while I was at his house this weekend; I was about to do my makeup when Hunter let me know that he was heading to the store to pick a few things up. As I sat down to start on my routine, I noticed Hunter’s phone. I couldn’t resist and my need to snoop took over, I got such a high from knowing I had some solid time to look through it worry free for once. I only checked through his Facebook messages because that’s normally where he would hit on girls in the past (I had also looked through his texts a few weeks ago and didn’t see anything interesting). I went through his messages and got even higher off seeing that there wasn’t anything incriminating, he wasn’t hitting on anyone and no one was hitting on him; all his conversation were just that.

I quickly read through one conversation between him and an old ex-girlfriend, they had a quick relationship in college and stayed friends afterwards. She’s also seriously dating someone so I knew the conversation would be just friendly but I had to check it out anyway. At this point I knew I didn’t have much time left so I just quickly scanned it. At one point that I saw, Hunter replied to something she said, and he mentioned that he didn’t see us getting married anytime soon and that he wanted to travel like she had and the conversation just shifted to traveling after that. I didn’t have time to look at any earlier posts into their conversation because Hunter pulled into the driveway and I wanted to make sure his phone and apps were back the way I found them.

I was really happy with what I didn’t find, but there’s still a part of me that is curious about what else was said in that conversation. I wanted to know how our relationship got brought up because I like positive feedback like “you guys are such a cute couple!” and things like that. And to see if maybe anything else about me or our relationship got brought up, or anything about her that would she’d light on her life since I don’t know too much about her.

This is where my biggest problem is though because I feel like such an addict! When I snooped the last few times and I did find Hunter being inappropriate with other girls; I had a suspicion, I found a problem, and that’s what I dealt with. But, that being said, when there is nothing to find and I’m unsatisfied with the time I had to read the whole conversation, then that’s a problem. That is one hundred percent Hunter’s business and not mine. If he’s just having an honest to God conversation that just so happened to lightly discuss our relationship on a normal level, then that’s no reason for me to need more information. I don’t want to get engaged or married to Hunter any time soon and I’m happy that he wants to take his time too. But I still feel this urge inside of my body, at the very base of my stomach to find out more and more even though Hunter’s done nothing wrong and I know that at this point it is just a violation of his privacy.

Before when I looked through his phone, it was a high because I had a good feeling that I was going to find something. Now though, it just feels like I get a high from trying not to get caught and pushing the limit to feel that way again. I also feel like I get a little buzz off knowing more about Hunter and who he’s talking with and about what; like getting secret Intel into his personal life. I know it’s wrong obviously but it’s just something I feel so compelled to do when the opportunity presents itself. I also feel like I don’t have anything to hide in my phone and I could care less if he went through it because there’s literally nothing to find. I’m a very loyal person on a cheating scale, I could never do that to anyone on any level so I have nothing to hide.

I just wish that the need to snoop would go away already; I hadn’t looked through his phone for almost ten months and just this month I’ve had the strongest urges ever. You would think I would be over the moon happy that there was literally nothing for me to find and that he was being honest when he said he didn’t flirt with girls online anymore since we had our last fight in September about it. I just feel like there’s so much more to find, good, bad, menial, whatever, information about anything. I almost feel like an information hoarder, like I just can’t get enough until I’ve read and processed everything in his phone; and I’d never reach that point anyway since he talks to people all the time, so there would always be new information to see.

At this point I just keep trying to talk myself down since there wasn’t anything bad in his phone, and that anything the other girl had to say about us must of been positive assuming she asked hunter if we were going to get married. Besides not knowing her exact words that brought up that conversation it’s obvious it was a positive comment either way. And besides that interaction, there wasn’t even anything else that caught my eye that seemed interesting. There is also absolutely nothing to confront Hunter about so I don’t understand why this need to know everything that is none of my business is coming from.

At this point though, assuming nothing comes up on its own, I’m hoping that the urge will subside the more I ignore it and hopefully I can just start really trusting him and learning more about him the right way.