Because I can’t afford (& am too cheap) for a therapist

If you were to meet me on any given day and you got to know me quickly in a nutshell you might notice that I am well educated, traveled, polite, talkative, nice, pretty, well rounded with a great job, boyfriend and dog.

On the outside my life seems very meaningful and vibrant, busy but relaxed, and headed towards the normal things in life that a lot of people want and expect to happen, like buying a home, getting married and having a handful of babies.

My life is really quite put together if you glance at it quickly, but realistically just like everyone else it’s much deeper and complicated then what you might think. I have no clue if anyone will ever bother to read anything I write but it’s the best solution I could think of to get my feelings out. I’m not sure what I’m looking for in typing all this out, I’m writing it for me and I guess that’s all that matters until I discover what I need to in order to have some kind of life epiphany. (I’ll probably be writing for an incredibly long time)

My hope in this project is that I’ll stick with it, and write whatever comes to mind whether I had a great day or a horrible one. I’d like to look back on this and day dream about the good memories and laugh about all the stuff that I was so stressed out and sad about or at least know that I moved on from it & learned.

I don’t want to give too much of myself away since I would really rather this blog stay anonymous, but to give some context to who I am here’s a little overview.

  • I’ll be turning 27 this year, & the pressure is on to “start my life”
  • I work in an office by myself most days for a construction company
  • I’ve been in a relationship for almost 3 years and I’m not sure where it’s going
  • I have the best dog in the world – 9 month old Australian Shepherd who comes to work with me
  • I’ve traveled to Africa and Europe, and as a small country girl people generally ask me the same types of questions – they never ask about meaningful things that may have happened to me, they just want to know how much I stood out or how much beer costs over there.
  • I have no real friends. I’m not trying to sound pathetic, I have a ton of acquaintances but if I lost everything tomorrow, my boyfriend and family would be the only ones to reach out and help. & this is actually the main reason I wanted to write this blog, I have no one to talk to on a personal level who can be there to listen to me about anything including how crazy my family is and how paranoid I am that my boyfriend is using social media to flirt with girls behind my back.
  • I’m a military brat, moved around quite a bit and that probably added to the whole no good friends thing. I’m used to meeting people and moving on so keeping people in my life has never been a strong skill of mine.
  • I’m super adaptable, I haven’t moved or traveled or anything in a couple of years now and I’m going stir crazy. I have no real hobbies and the things that I do try I tend to get bored of it pretty quickly i.e. horseback riding, running, yoga, etc. I basically feel like an old crazy dog lady who does nothing except reminisce about the cool things she did 40 years ago. People around me get bored of that pretty quickly. I don’t mean to come off like I’m bragging, I just literally have nothing else to talk about.
  • I can get really depressed and melancholic in a heartbeat – I have a really harsh and ruthless inner voice that I let get to me regularly.
  • I’ve struggled with eating disorders for about 5 years and my imperfections still drive me insane. Mostly I concentrate on my big thighs, cellulite, body fat and small breasts. I have only ever told two people; one was a therapist that I only saw that once and the other was a supposed best friend. She was jealous of how thin I was looking and almost told a room full of people why out of pure spite. I cut her out of my life pretty quickly. The way I see it, she should have wanted to help me get healthy, not embarrass me in front of our peers and make me feel worse about myself.
  • I’m insecure all the time even though I put on my “I don’t care what people think, I’m awesome & I can’t be upset about the things I can’t change right now” mask (especially when I’m in a bikini).
  • I have this recurring thought about how great everything would be for everyone, including myself if I was never born, or if I just kind of left and became a hermit somewhere. I’ve been hurt, but I’ve also been the one to hurt others; I’ve done some great things, but I’ve done things I whole heatedly regret & try to block out (stupid, disgusting and dangerous things). I most likely won’t ever write about them because I’m too embarrassed to, even anonymously.

Anyway, that should give you an idea of what’s going on in my head and in my next entries I’ll probably expand on all or most of these points.

I’m a bit proud of myself for admitting what I have & I’m interested to see where this blog goes ~

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