Blind faith has no place in relationships

I studied Communication in University and most, if not all of my classes focused on the role and impact that social media has had on basically everything. I’ve always loved my social media platforms, just like this one, except for the fact that if it’s not your own profile/account then you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes in other people’s accounts/profiles.

I’m a super curious being and I always want to be in the know so that I can be sure I’m not being strung along whether it be in relationships or friendships. I have to literally talk myself down from sneaking a peek at people’s accounts when I know their phone or account passwords. It’s definitely something I’m not proud of and I know it’s a character flaw in myself but it’s just such an impulse; almost like a high. I get excited to either prove myself wrong, that the people in my life are here for me, or excited to prove that I’m right, that people don’t have my best interests in mind.

For example, I’ve gone through my boyfriends phone a total of 3 times over about 3 years. He is a very private person and warned me  twice that he was not okay with me going through his phone and that he would end things if I did it again. Like I said, I’m pretty stealth and he only knew about me going through his phone because I found things I couldn’t ignore. This also frustrates me because my phone is always unlocked, & I encourage him to look through mine if it will reassure him at all. The fact that he locks his phone and makes empty threats just makes me feel like he has something to hide.

The first time that he said that things would end, would of hit home, had there not been something in his phone that pissed me off to begin with. The way I’ve always seen it if I find something, it is pretty good leverage against the whole “I’ll break up with you the next time you do that” argument.

So to get to the point, I found multiple conversations that he started with women that mostly start off with him saying something like “wow, you’re so smoking hot in your pictures” or “Hey beautiful, you were in town and didn’t tell me? We totally could’ve gotten together”. So that got my blood boiling and I told him what I found. We had a huge fight both arguing as to why we were in the right and in the end his excuses were that they were his good friends and they always just joke around like that. So I retaliated by yelling some more and telling him that it’s not okay and that he would feel the same if he saw that I was talking to my guy friends like that. He still stuck to his guns saying that I was still more in the wrong for not trusting him and going through his messages.

I honestly wanted to be done with the relationship, but I talked myself into the idea that now he knows that’s not okay with me and that should be about it. Problem solved… Right?

Maybe! I was in his room, his phone was on the dresser, and he was outside doing an extensive cleaning of his ATV so I knew he was going to be a while. I went through his texts and messages – I don’t read everything I just mostly look for girls names I don’t know and how he initiates conversation. & low and behold there was nothing to find! I was so happy and I felt like I was in a true loving relationship that I didn’t have to worry about. I felt like he really respected me and was working hard to keep me in his life so I really pushed myself not to snoop again for a long time because I finally trusted him.

After about a year, he was acting kind of off and my interest was peaked again, I talked myself into why it was a good idea to snoop again, even just to reassure myself and so I did. I found conversations very similar to the original ones that set me off and one special one I did not see coming. This conversation still bothers me more than anything because it just showed me how immature and unpredictable he is.

This girl was a childhood friend of his that he mentioned to me once before, years before I found this conversation; he told me she was stalking him and wouldn’t leave him alone. In the conversation that took place between them, it was over a couple of weeks and even during my birthday, while I was literally sitting beside him. The conversation was a lot of flirting back and forth and her asking him to call her beautiful and things like that. He also asked her to send him full frontal pictures, which thankfully, she didn’t. She also has a little girl, is not very attractive (I know everyone says that in these scenarios but she really wasn’t), & was living off of her ex husbands child & spousal support. So needless to say I felt like he literally wanted anyone but me; and that created a lot of low self esteem & killed my self worth.

I again, ambushed him about all of it and had a total melt down about it. He explained to me that she wouldn’t stop messaging him so he figured the best way to get rid of her was to be vulgar, rude and basically an ass to get her to leave him alone. How he thought that would work by aggressively flirting, makes no sense to me. He later on deleted her off of facebook and admitted that he didn’t realize how flirtatious he was being with her and other girls. (*Bullshit*)

The only positive thing from this whole mess is that besides the old childhood friend, I have a lot more faith in women and how they respond to men in relationships. All of them, and I mean at least 10-15 women all either changed the subject right away, asked what I would think and asked about the fact that he was in a relationship. So to all you women, I truly appreciate & borderline love every single one of you!

So now that I’ve explained all that, I should mention that there are a lot of great, funny, loving stories in between all of that so it’s not so black and white. I’m still here in this relationship because I want to believe that he’s learning, but truthfully it does weigh on my mind a lot.

I just feel like he pretends to be a such a stud online because maybe he feels inadequate in real life on some level. It’s such a frustrating situation because I just don’t understand how he justifies his actions. I opened up to his sister about everything because I had no one else to talk to and I knew she’d keep it between us. She told me that she used to go through his messages when she was younger and would find similar conversations when he was in committed relationships; & that she didn’t understand him either.

Right now I’m justifying his behaviour in the sense that he isn’t physically cheating and that maybe it’s an outlet for him to feel good about himself for a little while. I tried to bring it up to him one day, to see if he would open up about his intentions and that it reflects on him a lot more than it does on me. I just wanted to know if there was something in the overall relationship that was lacking for him; but of course he wanted nothing to do with this conversation and instead of being productive started accusing me of going through his phone again (which I actually didn’t do). I was not only mad that he wouldn’t even discuss anything with me but that he also added more doubt for me, because it sounded like he thought I found something else… which made me want to snoop so badly but I held it together and didn’t.

As much as I love him, I can’t do this forever. The trust is gone and I can’t help but think about who he’s talking to and if she’ll be the one he ends up cheating on me with.

Bottom line is I know social media isn’t really the thing to blame, he would of found a way to do this with or without it. I want to be in this relationship for all of the great things we have and will get to experience together, but there are just so many “buts” – I’ve scoured the internet for support articles for this, I know I’m not the only one whose gone through this and who wanted to continue the relationship anyway – why is there nothing out there? Is this an underground problem that women are all ashamed and embarrassed about? Why isn’t there more of a presence for online faithfulness? The internet isn’t a god that I have to blindly have faith in and it’s followers. Am I totally crazy for thinking I’m entitled to know if you’re emotionally cheating on me or not? And to make decisions for myself on what I think of your conduct? If I can live with it or not? How am I supposed to trust if I’m not allowed to know how you talk to others or how you behave when I’m not around?

I think the main reason I can’t leave is because of my curiosity: is this going somewhere? Does everyone go through this? Is this normal for this day and age? Is it worth fighting for? What if things change? What if things don’t change? I just have so many questions compared to answers…

& that’s exactly why I’m so indecisive.

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