I’m in a terrible mood today because of relationship problems so right now I’m going to vent about my boyfriends irrational- hyper-emotional – rages.
I’ve always known him to blow up at the smallest things; the first time I witnessed it, we had been dating for about a month maybe not even. He really wanted a burrito but the tortillas that he bought were old and all stuck together. He tried to be careful to separate them but he ripped the top one in half. He then proceeded to yell things along the lines of “everything’s unfair”, “why does this happen to me!?”, “Everything bad happens to me” and he then angrily proceeded to whip the broken tortilla at the fridge, like he really meant to hurt it or something. It was like watching someone suffer a life altering loss and falling into a noticeable deep depression in minutes. I honestly started laughing because I thought he was putting on a drama filled show to be funny or something. He actually was not as I learned pretty quickly.
There are a lot of stories like this one except one big difference, he doesn’t blame the tortillas anymore, he blames me. & Before I go any farther I’d like to put a disclaimer out that he has never gotten violent with me or threatened me in any way.
I have a few stories that really stick out on this issue, and the more I think about them the more I see this relationship failing without some kind of divine intervention; but since I’m more or less on the Atheist side, I don’t see much help coming from the heavens, but there’s always Dr. Phil I guess though.
Anyway, My next story involves a ski trip to one of our local ski hills in town. I had skied once when I was little and decided that since skiing was a passion of his I should give it a shot again. When I was little I took it up really fast and on the day we went I think it’s a miracle I didn’t die (maybe from actual divine intervention). My Boyfriend (lets call him Hunter) has a big ego about being a great teacher whether it be skiing, boating, ATVing, carpentry, etc. So the day that we were there he took it upon himself to teach me (sort of). I did well going up the chairlift and getting off without falling over which probably gave me a false sense of competence. As I started to make my way down the hill, Hunter told me some quick basics about doing the pizza with my skis and telling me how to go back and forth to stay in control. I tried really hard to do what he told me but every time I started to gain too much speed I’d either fall or start bombing the hill even faster. I couldn’t control my body and the skis and the more I fell the more he yelled at me for not listening to his instructions. It was a really frustrating and defeating day and I felt like Hunter knew nothing about teaching. His philosophy was that if I followed the two sentences of instructions he gave me and just watched him that it would make me a pro. That was most certainly not the case, since I managed to get a grand ovation from the people on the entire chair lift. There’s no way I’m not in one of those “biggest fails” videos somewhere. I ended up sticking around more with one of his friends that was there because he was mellow and tried to encourage me even though I was not doing well; I gravitated to him because he wasn’t stressing me out and I think Hunter liked that he could leave me with him so he could get some real runs in. I only finished three runs before I decided that it was enough, & I wanted to go to the bar. Hunter still wanted to get a couple more runs into his day which was fine with me so he went and did that while I hung back with his friends. We decided to play a game of pool and I was having fun because I’m not terrible at it. After a while I happened to look up and Hunter was standing in the corner watching me and he was fuming. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he started accusing me of flirting with his friends and showing off my cleavage (how much cleavage can I really get from being an A -cup? If there was any at all I think he should of counted his blessings instead). I got defensive and told him he was creating drama over nothing, I was literally just playing pool – I wasn’t going to sit at a table by myself and wait for him to finish skiing while his friends that I hung out with all day were in the bar too. I was also pretty intoxicated at this point and took what he said to heart because I felt guilty even though I did nothing wrong. I sat in the back on the way home because Hunter decided to give me the silent treatment and I was expecting him to break up with me as soon as we got to my house. I know it’s really dumb but I made sure to be as social as possible with everyone else but him and to be as annoying as possible. In my mind if he wanted to see a show I’d give him a real one considering things were over in my mind.
When we reached my house I jumped out as quick as I could, grabbed my stuff and before I could run inside, Hunter stepped out and wanted to talk. He brought up the whole breaking up scenario but never actually broke things off. We had it out in the driveway for a good ten to fifteen minutes and left things where they were. Somehow over the next couple of hangouts it didn’t get brought up and we just kind of moved on from it.
The next year we ended up having some more fights like this but the biggest one was in the summer over a boating trip. Hunter called me just enraged about how the other couple coming with us expected us to feed them all weekend. I tried to settle him down and told him we could just get a pack of hamburgers and bread and stuff like that and not to worry about it and that I would take care of it (we have a deal where I buy all the food and beer while he buys all the gas for the boat, it actually evens out pretty well). Hunter would not calm down about it and instead of blaming his friends for being inconsiderate, he started yelling at me about not giving him every detail about the food items I was bringing. I got upset with him for yelling at me when I didn’t deserve it and started crying. He got even more angry and told me not to bother coming because I was just going to ruin the weekend for him with all my crying and then he hung up on me.
I get this weird impulse where instead of being done with things, I want to prove just how great I am and how I can put things back together. I stopped crying, did my best at groceries with what everyone was requesting and got to his house almost an hour early by flying down the highway to make sure I wasn’t late. When I got there we didn’t talk but when Hunter finally said something he told me that he went and did groceries and bought a bunch of stuff; so basically I had just spent almost $200 in groceries for no reason.
We were supposed to meet up at his house for around 4:30pm and leave by 5pm – his stance was that if you weren’t there by 5pm he was leaving anyway. His friends were not there by 5pm, because they had to do groceries… They showed up around 6:30pm and I was expecting fireworks; I really thought he was going to lose his mind with them and just go off on them (the guy is his best friend and the girl he’s known since he was around 5 years old). When they came over, all he said was “glad you guys made it!” and “oh, don’t worry we were behind schedule anyway”. Had things been the other way around and it was me who was that late, the whole neighbourhood would of known about it or he would of just left at 5pm and not of told me. I was in a horrible mood after everything and gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the day, he eventually insincerely apologized the next day after I brought up the fact that if he can’t yell at his friends then he needed to apply that same respect to me because I’m his good friend too & obviously he can control himself, and we left it at that and moved on.
Last night we got to have it out because of his own issues and mood. I had a great day up until he was done work and started to blame me for everything that went wrong with his day. He has a work ski trip that he earlier on invited me to and I accepted on the terms that he get over his ego and understand that I need real lessons. That didn’t go over well the first time I brought it up because he thinks he’s God’s gift to the world and if he can’t do it then no one can. He kept telling me things like “I was a trained ski instructor, the person who teaches you won’t even be close to the level I was at; I probably taught people at his level!” To give some more context he’s skied all of his life but in the last 5 years he maybe makes his way out once or twice a year and that’s it.
Anyway, my Grandmother is in the hospital and my mom needed a car to visit her so she used mine; I assumed since I live along the way to the hill, Hunter could just pick me up no problem. When I mentioned that to him he had a total melt down about how he wasn’t even going to go anymore, everyone wants too much from him and so on. Later on I told him that I worked it out with my mom where we’d both drive up to his house and she would take the car from there. He then proceeded to yell at me about not saying that sooner and that he already tried to work out new timings and schedules with the other people coming with us. He then continued to blame me for all our relationship problems and how I never take the time to put his needs first and to think about doing/saying things before he asks me to.
I lost it on him and told him that my grandmother was my priority right now, not his stupid schedule to get to the hill at exactly 8am – it’s his friends, his plan and his schedule so why is everything my fault? I kept trying to tell him that we figured out the problem and we had a solution; I just really wanted him to drop it. That set him off and then he was just mad about everything, he said he wasn’t going anymore, that I took all the fun out of it and we would just end up fighting like we did the first time.
His biggest argument turned into the fact that I tend to go after his ego about the things he loves like skiing and boating. He recited a couple stories of when I did that and I’ll admit that I was off base and that I’ll have to start watching what I say when it comes to those topics. My issue with that is I’m socially awkward about those things and all I know to say are how bad I am at them – and Hunter is the one who tries to teach me about them (which he sucks at). So then Hunter becomes the butt of the joke; I meant it all in good fun to lighten things up and to be a part of the conversation. I’m going to try and do better at not doing that, it’s just hard to stick to a commitment like that when Hunter loses it on me, it feels almost like if he’s going to knock me down, then I’ll do it right back; super immature of me, but that’s been one of my coping technique.
We fought on the phone for about 3 hours in total, our fighting styles don’t match and we end up just setting the other person off more. He gets accusatory and I get really sarcastic so that’s why it went on for so long. In the end he ended up asking me what I wanted to do next and if we were over all together. I told him that I still wanted to date because I was in love with him and then he said the same about me. We started joking about something and had a somewhat awkward but nice little conversation and then said our good nights like everything was fine.
I don’t know if we can overcome this, because honestly by the end of the fight I was hoping he would just end things. When he handed me the decision I couldn’t do it and I’m not sure if I’m happy about that or not. It feels like we’re so wrong for each other and we obviously have major relationship issues on both of our parts; but there’s something inside that keeps telling me that we will work out because I fit in so well with his family and lifestyle and when we get along, we really do get along well. This is only my second real relationship and I feel like no matter what I’m going to make the wrong decision and I’ll probably end up all alone.