“Here’s a bombshell just for you, turns out I’ve been lying too”
White lying is something I’m very good at, I’ve been doing it since I was really little, sometimes just for the thrill of it. As I’ve gotten older though I find it’s morphed into less of white lying and it’s turned more into omitting the truth to save face. I do it because I believe its saving me from unnecessary drama and fights with Hunter or my boss and that way I get to do what I want without causing any issues for anyone.
With my boss I do it specifically so I don’t get lectured over something I forgot to do or that I hadn’t done yet. I tell him something else came up, or “I already sent that e-mail, server must be really slow today!”; and general things like that. With these scenarios I feel pretty proud of myself for getting myself out of the situation right on the spot and then promptly doing whatever it is I should have had done already. I go to sleep that night without worrying about the consequences because all my loose ends are tied up and it’s done with.
With Hunter, I find it a bit more difficult to keep innocent things from him. He is a very jealous person; to the point where he will get upset with me if a man checks me out instead of proud that he’s the one with me. He’ll even make it a point to be snobby with me if a guy on my Facebook likes too many of my posts. To be fair though, I’m a pretty jealous person myself but I make the distinctions between the girls I know he’s dated or seen and girls that are literally just his friends. I know the difference; and I could care less if he went out for coffee with one of the girls that I’ve met and seen with my own eyes that they are honestly just good friends. He doesn’t even do that though because he still feels like he’s cheating or something (really contradictory of the online behaviour, I think that just makes my point too that he thinks online interactions aren’t real life or something).
Anyway, my boss likes to take me out for lunches and outings every once in a while, just a few times a year with the contractors because he knows how isolated I am at the office; so whenever he asks if I’m up for it I always try my best to get out there. It’s always a lot of fun, my boss pays for everything for everyone and it’s 1000% platonic. I don’t dress like I’m going clubbing, I don’t flirt and I make sure to bring Hunter up whenever I can. So what’s the problem then right? Hunter comes from a small town, where my boss and all the contractors are from, and Hunter is acquainted with most of them. I make sure not to tell Hunter I’ve gone out because I know all the chaos that would come from that including a very possible break up scenario, so I’m always worried that it will somehow get back to him. I really wish he could understand that there’s nothing going on and believe me so that I could tell him and he would have a positive reaction. I really would love it if all he said was something like “too bad I’m working tonight, sounds like fun! Have a great time, and tell everyone I say hi!”
I hate how guilty I feel for going out because I want to tell him the funny stories that came up or the gossip between the contractors (for a bunch of old men, that’s all they do & it’s pretty great to witness). & I’m sure that Hunter goes out after work with his friends every once in a blue moon too and doesn’t tell me; but his reasoning would be that he was with his guy friends & not a bunch of women if I did ever bring it up.
I find the biggest thing missing in our relationship is trust. Hunter has convinced himself that I’m interested in anyone but him – in real life, day-to-day scenarios and I’m convinced that he wants anyone but me in an online virtual reality kind of way (I believe he thinks that he’s stuck with girls at my level in real life [I’m probably a solid 8 & so are most of his exes by the way] and he thinks he deserves better/the best of the best; and the only way he can get better than me is by trying his luck online – *Insert sarcastic tone* obviously because women online are all perfect 10’s just by looking at their profile pictures).
When we had our last big fight and he had calmed himself down enough he actually did bring up the article I found a while back that described men in relationships who only flirted online or through texts who were missing something in the relationship and it wasn’t directly related to the girlfriend lacking anything. Hunter asked me to re-explain the points in the article which I did, and then I asked him what might be missing for him, that he feels so compelled to do that. He told me that he does it when he’s bored in the relationship. The vibe I got was that it’s just something that gives him a bit of a rush and that’s all it really boils down to. It’s not that he wants to leave me for any of them, it just makes things more exciting. Which I think re-affirms my point that he is the creme de la creme of all drama kings. He’s literally creating tension in our relationship to liven things up just for himself (he never intended for me to see those conversations).
I just want to keep bringing this up with him, because every time it comes up I end up re analyzing everything and coming up with new questions days or weeks later. Like – is this going to keep happening forever? What would make things so exciting that you wouldn’t feel the need to do that? Is there something else that could give you the same rush without you having to be king supreme of the assholes? Have there been any girls who actually went with it? Should I be worried that this rush might fade and you’ll move on to physically cheating? How can you prove to me that you aren’t doing that anymore? Can you make me trust you again & how would you do that? When I get bored in the relationship (which does happen for me too) should I try this with my guy friends because it obviously works so well for you?
I guess we all have our secrets and reasons for doing what we do, but it just seems to be more trouble than anything. At this point I feel like all relationships are built on lies and omissions; both parties trying to get everything they want without hurting the other. But like Miranda Lambert says “truth comes out a little at a time” so as much as my group dinners might piss Hunter off if he finds out, I’m not doing anything that would directly hurt him whereas his behaviour from his boredom directly hurts me. It tarnishes our relationship and makes me look worthless to the girls he’s flirting with. It’s to the point that I’d like to give him a taste of his own medicine but it’s really not in my blood to do that. It’s so weird to love someone so much and at the same time to wish them so much bad karma! I honestly swear that the idea of what love should be and the reality of what love has actually turned out to be will be what drives me insane. For me at this point, there’s no such thing as real unconditional love outside of my immediate family and as far as I can tell, “men” are all horny immature teenagers who are incapable of really, truly, loving someone. Really starting to regret not applying for that Mars mission…