Queen Bee of Justification

I feel so obsessed with Hunter’s online world because it’s so closed off and mysterious, I really wish it was an open and transparent means of communication. I was talking with his sister last week and she had recently broken up with her boyfriend over a few issues and one included him flirting with other girls online and while she was discussing this with me, she added “you know, the same thing that Hunter did to you”. In that moment I felt like I was so stupid for staying and just kind of nodded along with the rest of her story.

As of right now, I feel at a loss of how to feel about Hunter; on one hand I really love him and want him in my life, on the other I want to castrate him, let him wallow in his regret for crossing me and never see him again.

I’ve always loved gossipy dramatic shows like Dr. Phil, I’ve been a viewer since my early teens and I still watch it fairly regularly. Yesterday’s episode was about a really screwed up couple with way worse problems that mine and Hunters; but like me, the woman found online conversations between the man and other women. I started paying more attention to what Dr. Phil would say and how he would deconstruct the guys lies. Instead, he looks at the guy and says something along the lines of “you’re not a puzzle, there’s all this evidence to prove your behaviour and it’s obvious that you’re in the wrong”. Then he looks at the woman and says “you’re the puzzle! What other evidence do you need? What don’t you know? What information are you waiting for?” and so my brain gears started turning right then and there.

The evidence I have against Hunter are all the texts and messages that I’ve read with my own eyes and the confrontation arguments we’ve had over them. The fact that I’ve caught him multiple times for the exact same behaviour after we had those arguments and discussions that he “didn’t know that was considered flirting”. Also, I dread watching shows with him or being in public with him when there is a gorgeous and voluptuous curvy woman to be seen because he never fails to make a comment to me about how amazing she/her breasts are or to make an audible “wow” tone.  Like I’m just one of the guys, flat as a board, blind apparently and can’t see her myself; he makes me feel like I might as well be a lamp when there’s someone prettier/bigger breasted then me around (he doesn’t ever say or make noises and things like that when I walk into a room).

The things I don’t know and the information I’m waiting for is if Hunter is continuing with his flirting online or if I can actually start to trust him again. I don’t want to start unnecessary fights if there’s nothing happening behind my back; and that would be the best case scenario. But I’m also waiting for the day I get a message from one of these girls who feels bad enough for me to speak up about his emotional cheating and to forward me their conversations as proof.

So why do I stay?

I’m the Queen of justification, everything I do and act on is because I told myself things like: it’s fine, what’s meant to be will be, everything happens for a reason, we’ll get through this, etc.

I think about all the great things about our relationship and then try to imagine being alone and secluded. Hunter goes out of his way to make a trip down to see me at least once a week (he lives about 45 minutes away), if he can make it down more or for a longer stay then he does, he’s chivalrous with me, he takes me out on roadtrips, ATV’s, boats, and other toys, he genuinely wants me around as much as possible and he makes me laugh. We do so much together but we also have a good amount of space so we get alone time too.

In my perfect world, Hunter and I would be in the same situation as we are now, only he would be more serious about our relationship and respect it entirely . We would also be able to talk about our fears and problems without it turning into a fight where we just try to “win” the argument.

I get frustrated just re-reading the above paragraph because I see the strong potential in our relationship and I’m so upset and saddened that there’s two main problems and Hunter isn’t receptive whatsoever to taking responsibility for his actions or being level headed enough to talk things out to the fullest (which I think I deserve at this point). I hate that we’ve discussed this at least three times in the heat of an argument over about three years and I never feel closure from it. Afterwards, I always feel like I still don’t know the whole story or that anything was even fixed or that he even understood what I was trying to get across. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to engage in these kinds of conversations with me, and when I have brought it up in the past, instead of discussing it further he gets upset that I don’t trust him and that he can never do anything right; and then we get so off topic that we never actually end up talking about the actual problem I had with him. All I want to do is bring it up again later on but I never do because it’s just a losing up hill battle; unless I have his phone in my hand and shove the conversations he’s had with other women in his face, and even then he tries to talk his way out of it so we never get to the root problem. That’s all I want to do and I don’t understand why he doesn’t take that more to heart.

I’ve thought about leaving lots of times, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I fantasize all the time about him proposing to me, what ring he would buy me, what house we might buy, where we would have the wedding, how many kids we would have, all the adventures we’ll have together and happy lovely things like that. I just have so much hope for our future together that I put my feelings on hold, vent online instead of to him, and wait for his light bulb moment to happen. But I think the only way for that to happen is for me to specifically break up with him over the above problems. But that only helps his next girlfriend(s) and they get the benefit of a great mature guy while I end up alone as per usual, or I meet someone else with the same or worse problems.

I feel really alone in all this and I wish I had someone to confide in, someone to be my support system that isn’t my mum or dad. I feel so pathetic.

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