Well… that attempt at positivity went downhill pretty fast…

I’ve been pretty negative in my last few posts and I feel like it’s about time I write a positive one. My life is definitely not all drama and melancholy and I wanted to express my other happier side too.

I do find it hard to concentrate on the good, I could have six good days and one bad one and that’s always what i end of focusing on. I find happiness is something I really have to focus on and spend time pushing myself to put on a smile; I read somewhere a long time ago that positive and negative attitudes are learned.

So far since the beginning of the year I’ve accomplished quite a few feats that I think are notable and memorable. In January I paid off my student loan, I literally threw every extra dollar I got at it for just over two years and that saved me an incredible amount of interest. I’m really proud of myself for having so much dedication and for putting things I really wanted on hold so that I could pay my loan off that much faster. I lived like I did when I was a poor university student; lots of canned food, planned meals, little to no extravagant outings, and things like that. It was definitely a struggle to be so stingy with my money and I missed out on some fun things because of it but it was well worth it for sure.

….Even as I’m writing this it’s so hard to concentrate to be positive! Today one of our contractors stopped in and asked for his cheque, I told him I didn’t know what cheque he was looking for and he handed me his invoice. Apparently my boss had told him it would be ready to go after about 11am but he never informed me about it and subsequently forgot about it all together. I told the contractor that it would be ready to be picked up later in the afternoon or on Monday and he didn’t really say much and left. My boss literally just called me and somehow made it all my fault, “next time I forget to tell you something, and someone’s expecting a cheque then call me and I’ll probably be able to come back out to sign it. Don’t make them come back to pick it up!” Half the time my boss is back at his place by the afternoon which is an hour away… and I even told the guy that it would be ready later on! I love that my boss couldn’t just accept responsibility for forgetting and apologize to the contractor, nope instead looks like I have to. I hate that everyone blames me for things that are totally out of my control!!! It’s events like this that make me want to have a total melt down. I feel like Atlas, there’s already so much weight on my shoulders from carrying my own and everyone’s issues and problems, I don’t get any positivity from anyone or support (besides maybe my mum and dad), but sure go ahead and add more guilt and accusations onto the pile because there sure as hell isn’t enough weight on my shoulders already; that should really help with my work motivation… or motivation for anything else for that matter. F*ck!

I find it so hard to stay in a good mood there’s always frigging something. I can’t even think about happy thoughts and memories for an hour without it being interrupted by something negative and aggravating. How am I supposed to get good karma back when all I feel like doing is crawling back to bed and becoming a mute and wishing bad things on people. Everything just seems like such a waste, I can’t do anything right for anyone and I just end up feeling so useless and like a waste of space. Nobody appreciates me and no one wants me and by the looks of things no one likes me either.

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