My personal life has always been a private matter for me, I hate opening up to people about sad and depressing things that are going on with me. The only person I don’t mind opening up to is Hunter because he normally helps to calm me down and keeps me collected. Recently, my parents decided that it would be best for them to get a divorce, things are already in motion and I’m already caught in the middle of two sides. The idea of my parents separating really hurts me to my core because their marriage was the only thing that was strong and stable in my entire life. Between all the moving, uncertainty, new faces, their military tours, starting over again and again – I always had them and our family bond to rely on which helped in making me so adaptable – kind of an “us against the world” mentality. They were my rock as a power couple, but separated I feel like that was all just an act and I put my false feelings of security in something that didn’t really exist.
Divorce seems like such a normal thing considering most of my friends had divorced parents but I never thought mine would follow suite. I even had a friend tell me that my parents were her idea of an ideal marriage and if they ever got divorced she’d lose all her faith in love. She thought this because they still hung out, held hands, kissed goodbye, would do anything for the other and talked to each other respectfully. They were my idea of an ideal marriage because I knew they weren’t perfect together but they still worked towards making it work; that is up until now. It really shatters my idea of love itself, that you always fight to hold on to the one you love no matter what and that’s enough to make things work. Kind of naive thinking about it now, I know every couple has their issues, but I doubt they’re all in a constant state of feeling like they’ll lose the other person at any moment if they don’t keep trying to make things work all the time.
I’m also such a hopeless romantic because of their relationship and it feels like I’ve been thinking about love all wrong. It’s not a blossoming flower that gets better and better, it’s a struggle that gets harder and harder.
So back to reality, I had a good cry and confided in Hunter about their impending divorce; he worked days all last weekend so he invited me to come out after he finished work any day. I decided I’d go up on the Saturday to give myself some alone time, but I looked forward to having someone to console me and hold me until I felt better. Hunter texted me early on Saturday to let me know he was thinking of me and that he was excited to see me that night; he also let me know that his mum was home all day if I wanted some company. That Saturday afternoon I felt really alone and decided to get in touch with his mum (let’s call her Tina) to let her know that I was coming up. She didn’t know anything about my situation and she told me to come over any time; I was looking forward to having some wine and talking about anything positive. When I got there though, no one was there, I texted Tina asking where she was but I didn’t get a reply. So I ended up sitting by myself for almost two hours before I got a text from Tina saying she thought she had sent me a text to explain she’d be out for a while but it didn’t go through. I was irritated but things happen and come up so I let it go, she told me she’d be back in about ten minutes.
When she got there, we had about a half hour of happy conversation before some drama reached her and she became very upset over it. She calmed down after a while but I could tell she was still very affected by it. Around seven Hunter showed up but before I could say anything his father just basically looked at him and said “ahh what now?!” out of nowhere which got Hunter upset right away. Hunter didn’t even look at me, grabbed his dog and went for an hour walk. I became upset with Hunter because the whole reason I was even there was to have him be there for me, and instead he just left. When he got back he still didn’t even look in my direction and started picking on non important things to his parents which created more tension. At some point around eight thirty or so I happened to walk by him and he just gently grabbed my shoulder and I responded sarcastically saying “wow, finally”. Probably not the right thing to say because I escalated his temper from 60 to 100. He flipped out, yelled down the hallway about his life and slammed his bedroom door.
I hung out with his family for a while longer and decided pretty quickly that I was ready to go home and that going there was an obvious mistake. Hunter came back down around nine or so and stood in the kitchen quietly not saying anything. His dad started showing me something from his collection and I pretended to be really into it so I wouldn’t feel so awkward. After another half hour of that Hunter stormed by and angrily said that he was going to bed. I pipped up and said “well, thanks for all your help today, you knew I was going through something and I really needed you.” He completely blew up at that and eventually told me to leave if I wanted to (I really did at that point) and that we were over. I apologized to his dad, thanked him for dinner and told him that he’d most likely see me again. I headed out the door to the car and Tina intercepted me and kept telling me not to drive home while I was that emotional and that she’d make a bed for me and things like that. All I wanted to do was to go home to cry my eyes out more than anything, Tina still stuck to her guns about me staying and kept talking to me so I wouldn’t leave; and also in that conversation I told her about my parents and how I really needed Hunter before everything went to garbage. While I was making up my mind on what to do, Hunter ran out of the house, got in his truck and left; he then sent me a text apologizing for not being the boyfriend I needed. At that point I was concerned for his well being so I went back to their house to make sure he made it back home okay. It wasn’t long before he screeched back into the driveway and we went out back to talk.
My biggest argument is that I just wanted to be comforted by him and instead he put my anxiety and emotions through the roof which I really didn’t need. He told me that my comments set him off and that I could of gone to him at any point so it was my own fault that we didn’t get any time together. We fought back and forth over the details for at least an hour, lots of yelling and finger pointing. When we were both reaching our limits with this fight he told me it was up to me if I wanted to break up, because that’s what he was thinking. I cannot stand when he throws that at me and I promised myself if he ever said that to me again I’d take him up on it. I told Hunter “fine! We might as well break up because I don’t trust you, you’re always mad at me or blaming me for your own issues, you can’t be there for me when I need you even though I’m always there for you and apparently I make your life miserable so sure, lets break up”. He was really caught off guard and asked about the trust issue. I told him that I can’t trust him because of the messages I’ve seen in his phone to other girls and that he told me he does it because he is bored; so every friggin time he tells me he is bored, guess what I think he’s doing? He told me that this made him really upset that I still thought that and that he learned from the last time I brought it up last year that it was beyond wrong. After that he told me that he tried his best to be there for me the days prior where he did send me nice texts to try and make me feel better. He told me too that he feels really sad that I think he’s always mad at me because he rarely is, and when it does happen it’s normally displaced anger about something else not something I did or didn’t do so he apologized for that. He let me know also that I’m not making him miserable its just all his own problems becoming bigger and bigger and so he concentrates on that and I unfortunately get clumped in to “everything in my life is horrible and everyone’s against me”.
I told him that I appreciated all the nice things he’s done but that I’m going to stand up for myself, if I didn’t do it, then I’m not to blame! End of story. So we talked more and eventually things calmed down somewhat. I cried a good cry and he just held me; I just couldn’t deal with everything anymore. We went and sat down after that and just made small talk, keeping things light. He brought up a friends ex-girlfriend and how they had been talking about funny drama in her life, and that she was excited to meet me and thought I was really pretty. He showed me their texts and asked if talking with her was alright. I told him that I don’t care if he talks to women so long as there’s no flirting on his part or theirs and he seemed to grasp that (hopefully).
We’ve since moved on I guess and we haven’t talked about the fight or anything since it happened. I’m supposed to go over to his place this weekend since he’s off, but I feel so embarrassed about everything that I’d rather just hide out at home. I feel like I made the right call in staying, but I can’t take that kind of behaviour forever. I still think things will end eventually over his own issues but for now I’m still in the picture. On top of all that, I still feel dumb for staying but I also feel optimistic that I got all of my concerns out to him so he knows exactly how I feel and what I’m thinking. This fight probably actually solved a good few of our past fears and concerns so I am very grateful for that.
Relationships are so fragile, and after everything with my parents it’s hard to have hope for this one between me and Hunter to work out; i still have my little voice inside that says everything will work out between us, in that hopelessly romantic tone, but it’s getting harder and harder to listen to it.