Information Hoarder

I think I might have the worst impulse control that a person could have when it comes to snooping. I already wrote a bunch of posts about looking through Hunter’s phone and finding or not finding things, but I figured I’d write another one since I did it again.

I had another moment of weakness while I was at his house this weekend; I was about to do my makeup when Hunter let me know that he was heading to the store to pick a few things up. As I sat down to start on my routine, I noticed Hunter’s phone. I couldn’t resist and my need to snoop took over, I got such a high from knowing I had some solid time to look through it worry free for once. I only checked through his Facebook messages because that’s normally where he would hit on girls in the past (I had also looked through his texts a few weeks ago and didn’t see anything interesting). I went through his messages and got even higher off seeing that there wasn’t anything incriminating, he wasn’t hitting on anyone and no one was hitting on him; all his conversation were just that.

I quickly read through one conversation between him and an old ex-girlfriend, they had a quick relationship in college and stayed friends afterwards. She’s also seriously dating someone so I knew the conversation would be just friendly but I had to check it out anyway. At this point I knew I didn’t have much time left so I just quickly scanned it. At one point that I saw, Hunter replied to something she said, and he mentioned that he didn’t see us getting married anytime soon and that he wanted to travel like she had and the conversation just shifted to traveling after that. I didn’t have time to look at any earlier posts into their conversation because Hunter pulled into the driveway and I wanted to make sure his phone and apps were back the way I found them.

I was really happy with what I didn’t find, but there’s still a part of me that is curious about what else was said in that conversation. I wanted to know how our relationship got brought up because I like positive feedback like “you guys are such a cute couple!” and things like that. And to see if maybe anything else about me or our relationship got brought up, or anything about her that would she’d light on her life since I don’t know too much about her.

This is where my biggest problem is though because I feel like such an addict! When I snooped the last few times and I did find Hunter being inappropriate with other girls; I had a suspicion, I found a problem, and that’s what I dealt with. But, that being said, when there is nothing to find and I’m unsatisfied with the time I had to read the whole conversation, then that’s a problem. That is one hundred percent Hunter’s business and not mine. If he’s just having an honest to God conversation that just so happened to lightly discuss our relationship on a normal level, then that’s no reason for me to need more information. I don’t want to get engaged or married to Hunter any time soon and I’m happy that he wants to take his time too. But I still feel this urge inside of my body, at the very base of my stomach to find out more and more even though Hunter’s done nothing wrong and I know that at this point it is just a violation of his privacy.

Before when I looked through his phone, it was a high because I had a good feeling that I was going to find something. Now though, it just feels like I get a high from trying not to get caught and pushing the limit to feel that way again. I also feel like I get a little buzz off knowing more about Hunter and who he’s talking with and about what; like getting secret Intel into his personal life. I know it’s wrong obviously but it’s just something I feel so compelled to do when the opportunity presents itself. I also feel like I don’t have anything to hide in my phone and I could care less if he went through it because there’s literally nothing to find. I’m a very loyal person on a cheating scale, I could never do that to anyone on any level so I have nothing to hide.

I just wish that the need to snoop would go away already; I hadn’t looked through his phone for almost ten months and just this month I’ve had the strongest urges ever. You would think I would be over the moon happy that there was literally nothing for me to find and that he was being honest when he said he didn’t flirt with girls online anymore since we had our last fight in September about it. I just feel like there’s so much more to find, good, bad, menial, whatever, information about anything. I almost feel like an information hoarder, like I just can’t get enough until I’ve read and processed everything in his phone; and I’d never reach that point anyway since he talks to people all the time, so there would always be new information to see.

At this point I just keep trying to talk myself down since there wasn’t anything bad in his phone, and that anything the other girl had to say about us must of been positive assuming she asked hunter if we were going to get married. Besides not knowing her exact words that brought up that conversation it’s obvious it was a positive comment either way. And besides that interaction, there wasn’t even anything else that caught my eye that seemed interesting. There is also absolutely nothing to confront Hunter about so I don’t understand why this need to know everything that is none of my business is coming from.

At this point though, assuming nothing comes up on its own, I’m hoping that the urge will subside the more I ignore it and hopefully I can just start really trusting him and learning more about him the right way.

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