My Parent’s Divorce:
Things have really started to move along in their break up, the house is for sale and my mum moved out into an apartment already. I’ve barely talked to my dad besides the odd text just asking me about something or another. My mum can’t stop venting to me about how horrible my dad is as a person and asking me to snoop on his Facebook page.
I had a little bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago, I feel really alone in this because I have a brother who has one hundred percent removed himself from all of this. He hasn’t talked to me about anything, asked how I am since I’m in the middle of things, offered to take turns consoling our mum or anything like that; the whole situation just involved me right smack in the middle. I went on a day trip so my mom offered to watch my dog for me. When she dropped her off the next day I was so exhausted and I just wanted to be alone and relax so I was hoping for a quick hello and goodbye. I ended up having to deal with some sub contractors who dropped in while she was here, so I asked her to hang out in my room while I sorted out their stuff. When they left I went to go get her and let her know she could come out, and all I could smell when I walked in was pee. My dog had peed all over my bed and I mean blankets, sheets, mattress… It was a big mess. I just broke down balling my eyes out because I don’t have a washing machine & dryer here, I’d have to go to my dads and spend 2-3 hours sitting there while the laundry was in. I already had dinner plans and a relaxing night planned out by myself and it just felt like the last straw. My mum ended up offering to call my dad to see if I could go over and do laundry. I kind of lost it on her and told her I was done being put in the middle, I can call him myself. I was still really upset and she ended up calling him and going over to do it herself. It was such a frustrating and defeating moment because I could of taken care of it like an adult and instead I totally broke down.
On another note, I was doing my own laundry at my dads yesterday like I normally do. I always like walking around the house and checking out my old room and stuff like that. While I was walking in the hall I noticed a bath robe that was definitely not my mothers. I decided to snoop around a little bit and discovered some girls make up, hair care things, toothbrush, clothes. Definitely not enough stuff to say that they are living together but enough to suggest that things are somewhat serious with them. My dad hasn’t uttered one word to me about dating anyone which really pisses me off because I feel like I’m entitled to know as his daughter (and my parents are still legally married). Especially since he knows I come over to the house once a week, obviously I’d notice eventually!
I feel really left out of his life and I feel too overly involved in my mums, the balance is so far off in my relationships with them it’s going to start straining soon I’m sure.
My relationship with Hunter:
I haven’t snooped or anything since my last post so I’m proud of myself for that. We’ve had some really good moments this summer like going to a great concert and very much enjoying each others company and things like that.
This week has been really different with him though, I feel like he’s just getting bored with me and he isn’t interested in putting much effort into me. It was my birthday on Saturday and just like the last 3 years, we went to the islands for the weekend. It’s been fun in the past so I expected just as much and was looking forward to it. The first night was pretty good, I had a great buzz on and one of our good friends came out to celebrate too. Later on though things got odd, we tend to fool around once everyone has gone to bed and it’s always silly and fun and sexy. This time though I could really tell that Hunter wasn’t into it at all, he had no energy, was barely moving so I had to do all the work. So after about 10 minutes of that I stopped and told him I was going to bed. He was upset because instead of listening to what I was saying about him not being into it, he morphed it into me being mad because he didn’t get me to “that point”. I went to bed by myself (because the boat is too small for us to sleep together) and cried myself to sleep on the morning of my birthday. The next day I was really really sick and hung over, I didn’t start coming around until about four or five. It was really bad and the whole time hunter couldn’t leave me alone because he was bored; I think that’s why it took so much longer to recover since he wouldn’t let me really sleep. Later that night Hunter decorated the island with balloons, brought out a cake, and more friends showed up and we had a good night with them partying again. I was talking to one of the girls and she points out that this seemed a lot more like a birthday party for Hunter than it was for me; and I had to agree with her. At about 2am we were blasting music on Hunter’s boat and after about three songs he said he was going to call it a night so we’d have to shut down the music. I really wanted to listen to just one more song so I tried to persuade him on it. He turned around and said that I had to turn it off, and that it was my own fault for not just getting over my hangover earlier to have fun. So basically he was mad at me for being sick on my birthday… So again, I went to bed alone and angry and shed a few more tears. On a side note, Hunter didn’t actually even go to bed until like 4am with our other friends.
The next day was more relaxed and I avoided Hunter a bit and I was happy when a convoy of boats came by with other people I could hang out with. We were exhausted by the time we got to his parents house; they had made a great birthday supper for me. They got me a really expensive purse and wine and I finally felt like it was more my actual birthday celebration. His mom couldn’t stop saying nice things about me and saying that I deserved to get nice presents since I put all my money towards bills, I never spend much on myself. Hunter just gave me a card that he just signed, some cash and little anchor earrings. It didn’t feel personal at all and it felt like his parents upstaged him incredibly. That night I went to bed around 9, and again Hunter didn’t bother coming to bed with me so I fell asleep and woke up in the morning and left for work.
The weekend just felt like it wasn’t really for me at all, nothing about it expressed who I am and what I like to do. I just followed the crowd and did whatever everyone else was doing. And I know this is a small thing to complain about but I always go out of my way to publicly write on his Facebook how much I love him and all my well wishes for him on his birthday and on our anniversary; but he never wrote happy birthday to me or anything. When I asked him about it he just said that he isn’t good with words and left it at that. He’s always done it before and written nice things, so I don’t know what the problem was there.
If I could of celebrated my birthday the way I wanted to, I would have done something exciting like white water rafting, zip lining, whale watching or something along those lines. Things I don’t ever really get to do, not something we’ve done every other weekend this summer. Hunter didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do until the day before we were supposed to head out and I had already bought our groceries and beer for the weekend so I wasn’t about to change my mind then.
In a totally different direction, there’s this girl that Hunter met about a week before he met me. This girl (let’s call her Nellie) is about 5 years older than him, moved to BC about 2 years ago and has a boyfriend. Hunter and her talked every now and again but I always and still do get this gut feeling that they both wanted more at one point or another. I knew that Nellie would go out of her way to hang out with Hunter so I made sure to tell Hunter that I’m ok with it if they hang out so long as he tells me about it. I am absolutely fucking not ok with it at all, but I figured it would make me feel better to be in the know instead of Hunter sneaking behind my back to meet with her. I still don’t understand their friendship at all and it really upsets me that she’s one of two girls out of 100 that I’ve met through Hunter that I don’t like; yet he absolutely has to hang out with her apparently. She wants to meet up with him for coffee next Monday before she leaves and as far as I know that’s about it. Pretty innocent but considering they’ll be alone, and both have the whole day off… It really freaks me out that something more might happen (especially with the crappy weekend we just had). Hunter is coming over tonight though luckily since he works all weekend so I’m hoping to explain some of my fears to him. I want to be a good trusting girlfriend but it’s just so fucking hard when I know his history. There’s also another parallel with an ex of mine who had the same kind of meet up with an old friend and he ended up cheating on me with her (and telling me about it and why I shouldn’t consider it cheating which was nice of him I guess…)
I wish I was better at expressing myself in what I need from him and how I expect this breakfast hang out to go. I just need to know that they are going to meet at the restaurant and then leave in separate cars afterwards and then that will be the end of it. Am I asking too much or sounding too insecure? Yes and no I think but I don’t know how to find that sweet spot where I come across as a caring girlfriend who has a couple concerns and then in return get reassured by Hunter without any animosities or drama.
I’ve already gone over a bunch of scenarios in my head where I publicly write on Nellie’s facebook wall and ask about how their date is going, or if she’s enjoying borrowing my boyfriend for the morning. That way everyone including her boyfriend, Hunter’s parents and their mutual friends see what she’s really up to. But that’s just the crazy psycho girlfriend thoughts that I’ll never actually do speaking. I’ll just end up bottling it all up, not saying anything more about it, and hoping that I still have a non cheating lying boyfriend come Monday afternoon.
I don’t know why I bother dating anyone, I’m so unfit as a girlfriend and there’s no happy endings for anyone so why bother trying. Maybe if he does cheat and it comes to light, our break up will just be the best thing for both of us. I hate feeling this way all the time, I can’t wait for the day that I can afford to get some real therapy to work through my mountain of issues.