Psychological Abuse; some of my experiences with it

I’m starting to get exhausted with Hunter’s behaviour and the arguments he starts for the sake of unleashing his anger and frustrations on me. Something could happen at work, he won’t tell me about it and then he finds a reason to yell at me to make himself feel better.

Last week was just about my last straw and I’ve been finding that I’m kicking myself now for not just ending the relationship when I had the perfect chance.

Here’s what happened last Saturday:

It was a normal weekend where I came up to his place like I do every two weeks. Friday was nothing special; I helped him with a couple boat maintenance things, we small talked and hung out with his family, and headed to bed fairly early for what we’re used to. Saturday morning he got up a little bit before I did and  I figured we were going to have a fun filled day. We have been working on his projects for the last 4 weeks that I’ve gone up and I was ready to just do anything else besides working on the boat, the trailer, etc.

The week before we discussed going to some hydroplane races that were taking place not too too far away, a new zip line that opened up near by, visiting my dad at his new place, going to a wedding reception and a few other random things like maybe taking my dog to a spot where she could swim. Friday night of that weekend, Hunter even told me that the boat was basically ready for a water test and that there wasn’t much else to work on so Saturday would be pretty open to do something fun.

I went downstairs after I got dressed and put my make-up on; I wanted to be as ready as I could be in case Hunter wanted to head out somewhere right away. Hunter was in the kitchen having a coffee with his mum and I went and made myself a cup. As I was stirring my sugar into my coffee I noticed Hunter being really short with his mother over nothing so I knew right away that he was in a mood. I sat down quietly making sure not to make eye contact with him to avoid starting something; I just wanted to enjoy my coffee. Hunter engaged with me anyway and happily asked me what I would like for us to do that day. In the moment and with his tone I decided to be bubbly back and told him all the activities we had discussed and the other random things I wanted to do, I even offered to drive everywhere. In hearing my response he flipped a switch and started full out yelling at me because “I knew” that we had to work on the boat and that there was no time to do anything and that he’d be too tired to do anything else. He belittled me saying that if I wanted to take my dog swimming to go do it alone because I’m a big girl and can do things myself. I was in total shock by what had just happened… I didn’t do anything wrong, I just answered his question and he had literally just set me up to fail so he would have a reason in his mind to yell at me.

I didn’t say anything else to him except that I refuse to take my dog swimming in the St. Lawrence by myself because going swimming by yourself in a current area is just stupid. Hunter showed me right there that he has no concern for my safety or well being. He replied sarcastically saying “what do you want me to do?! I’m not going to kill myself just to try and rescue you!”. I told him that I just need someone to know where I am who can call the coast guard for help if it’s needed, but it’s nice to know that common sense & my safety isn’t even something that’s on his mind.

I grabbed my now cold coffee and went outside and sat in a comfy chair on the back patio. Hunter presumably went to work on the boat after our fight. I decided that I would sit and wait by myself and if he needed me he would let me know, otherwise I wasn’t going to get in his way; no need to get yelled at more. His mom came and hung out with me off and on all morning. She eventually came to her son’s defense and rationalized his behaviour; she told me “he’s not good at explaining himself, what he meant to say is what are YOU going to do today while he works on the boat”. I almost lost it on her. Instead of lecturing her son about how he talks to women, and the trap he set for me; she talks down to me about not understanding “what he meant”. I just kind of nodded and went back to checking my Facebook and other apps to keep my mind busy.

Around 1pm in the afternoon, after sitting on my ass for literally 5 hours Hunter decided that he had worked long enough on the boat and was done with it for the day. He started off acting like things were normal and asked me if I was hungry. We decided to go to a new chip wagon to get some lunch and it went downhill from there. He started saying that he thought it was weird that I didn’t even come and visit him while he worked on the boat and was acting very hurt about it; I just kept saying like a broken record that I didn’t want to get in his way because I didn’t want to get yelled at again. As I was driving us to the chip wagon he asked if I was paying, and I told him that I assumed he was since I bought lunch for us the last time. He got all flustered about how broke he was and he pulled out a twenty saying that’s all he had and asked me if that was enough. I told him I’d turn around and go to the bank and I’d grab some money to pay for lunch and he told me not to bother. So we had some little awkward conversations most of the way and I made sure to tell him that I wasn’t quite sure where to turn to get into the chip wagon area and that he would have to give me a good heads up. We we’re coming up to it and I asked him where the entrance was and he starts telling me turn at the next left, he keeps saying right there right there in a more hyper tone so I really slow the car down and start to commit to the turn. At the last minute he tells me “or actually you can turn at the next entrance down there!” So I thought that I was turning into the wrong lane so I stopped for a second to correct the car to get to the other entrance. He starts going on about just picking one! “Just pick one, just turn!” So frantically I just turn into the first entrance because I was still right there. As I drive the crescent to the chip wagon Hunter starts telling me not to get snippy with him because I’m the one in control of the car, and I just had to use my eyes to see where to turn. I was really pissed off and I didn’t want to talk to him after that because had there been cars around it could of created an accident. He is a horrible passenger, in the past he’s make loud noises like “OH MY GOD” and “OHHHH!!” and things like that so I tend to rapidly slow down to avoid whatever the fuck he sees that I don’t and it’s always something he sees and gets excited about or a story he just remembered to tell me about. It really scares me in the moment, the sounds he makes make me feel like I was inches away from running someone over or something.

Anyway back on track to the story, I go to park but it’s a weird spot where I can’t pull in all the way because of a garbage can so I ask Hunter if he thinks it’s alright the way I parked it. And he says that he doesn’t understand why I parked there when I could of parked in this back area (that I obviously didn’t know about) so I left the car where it was and got even more upset. I was mostly mad that all I wanted was to be told where to turn and where to park and instead Hunter barely told me anything and made me feel stupid for the decisions I made without his help that I had asked for.

We ordered our food and sat quietly waiting for the guy to call for us. I asked Hunter if he wanted to eat there or if he would like to go somewhere else. He said he didn’t care so I asked if he would like to go to the old locks to sit and eat. He got sarcastic about my idea and shot it down. After that I didn’t bother talking to him, at one point he pointed out a sign about making signs and told me I should look into it for my work and I just responded saying cool or something like that. After about 10 minutes the guy finally reads out our order and we go get it right away; as I take my food I thank the guy and go. When we get back in the car Hunter sarcastically says “you’re welcome!!” in a mean way. I say “oh, thanks” just not wanting to start anything else. He then berates me about having said Thank you right away to the chip truck guy but not saying it to him right away and making me feel bad for not having done so fast enough for his liking. After, he asks “so where are we going to go eat this?” So I said at the canal like I said before because I think it would be nice to just put my feet in the water. He got really mad and said “I thought you said the locks!! Where are you talking about! You said two different places! Where are we going?!?”. (the locks and the canal are the exact same place and he knew damn well where I meant). I was on the edge of tears at this point, I didn’t say anything and as I pulled out of my parking spot I turned away from the canal and back towards his house. He lost it and started yelling that he had only asked me a simple question of where we were going. He started saying “just let me out! just let me out I’ll just fucking walk home”. I just kept driving. When we got closer to his house I told him I was going home. I ran up to his room grabbed my stuff and he followed me up still yelling about what had happened and how I was being malicious for threatening to leave. I grabbed my dog and headed back to my car. Hunter stopped me for a second to talk me out of leaving and at this point I was full out crying. Before Hunter could get out why exactly I should stay and endure his abuse he started mocking my crying and making fun of me; so I trotted to my car and got in it. We yelled at each other for a long time about how he was treating me that day and he yelled at me for my crying and “my behaviour”, apparently I was the one being mean…

His mom came out eventually and let us know that her and Hunter’s dad were heading out if we wanted to go and talk more inside. I felt really embarrassed since we’re yelling for all the neighbours to hear so I agreed to go inside.We just yelled and tried to talk for another couple of hours just going in circles. Eventually I told him that he can’t yell at me. I’ve told him that since we started dating and I told him that in FOUR years he should have it figured out by now that yelling at me just makes me cry and makes me feel so beyond belittled. He eventually said that he would try and work on it and asked me how he should change (which is ridiculous). I told him that I didn’t know, that maybe he should go into anger management or just not yell at me when he’s mad and to just talk to me. Right away he says, “fine! But you’re gonna be upset even if I just talk to you about issues that come up!” He couldn’t even see it as a positive step forward, it was still negative in his mind.

I eventually did leave after about 6 hours of fighting and yelling; we were still on odd terms and I told him I just needed to be by myself. He kept telling me that he wanted me to stay, that I was being mean and that I just kept starting fights, if I left I’d just call and break up with him when I was home and things like that, and I couldn’t listen to him anymore. I had a very quiet drive back home, I went to grab my wallet out of my glove compartment when I made it home and lo and behold… I also found Hunters wallet.

I just stared at his wallet in disbelief for a couple minutes and decided to text him to let him know where it was. No response. I call him. No response. I text him again, this time saying that I was on my way back and that I would leave it in his truck. As I was about to pull out he called me. He thought I was going to break up with him and so he wasn’t checking his phone so he could ignore me. He told me not to bother driving it back to him and we had a calmer conversation, I eventually told him that if he didn’t need it that night that I would drive it out to him the next morning when I had recuperated a bit more from all the fighting. I went to bed about an hour after that and had a great sleep by myself.

This is where I wish I had put more thought into everything that had happened. The next day I felt like I had to apologize for leaving, and looking back, I’m so mad at myself for thinking that way. I got all dolled up as best as I could and headed out in the morning to bring Hunter his wallet and I bought him a coffee from Tim Hortons. When I got there he was outside working on his truck, and I handed him his coffee saying “I brought this as a peace offering”. Even though Hunter should have been the one wanting to make peace not me. Later that day there was a big rain storm and their house started having little floods in the basement so I went out of my way to help locate them and put towels down and move things off of the floor. Then after all that was under control I offered to take Hunter out for lunch just so we could get out of the house and unwind a bit. While we were having lunch, Hunter suggested that we should drive twenty minutes out of the way to go shopping. I didn’t want to go but reluctantly told him we could go (I was driving). I did buy a few nice things for myself and it was a calm outing but I just pushed all the bad thoughts out and put on a happy face; I wasn’t being genuine with myself at all. That night, Hunter let me stay over and we “reconnected”.

Since then Hunter has already crossed the line with me twice and it’s only just been a week since all of that happened. In our big fight I had told him that he plays too many mind games with me and that it’s abusive. I also told him that I think it’s the worst when he sexts with me while he’s at work, because it doesn’t matter if I’m in the mood or not it’s like an obligation to keep him entertained and that he gets moody if I don’t play along with it. I also personally would just rather have sex. Instead Hunter usually just tells me how horny he is at work for hours trying to get me to sext with him and then when I see him next in person he wants nothing to do with me sexually besides maybe jiggling my boob or slapping my ass while I make him dinner.

So on Saturday night he was working his normal night shift, it was getting late and I was ready for bed so I sent him one of my normal goodnight texts. Around 11:30pm I get a text from him saying “Guess you found someone else to cuddle with 😦 xoxo”. I decided not to respond that night, and I had a horrible sleep because of it. The next morning I wrote out a big long text about why he would say that, deleted it and then called him instead. He didn’t answer. About two hours later he sends me a text “you called?”. I texted him back asking what he meant by his text the night before. Right away he texts back, “I was talking about you cuddling with your dog, figured you were on the couch cuddling with her.” So I wrote back that there’s no way I could have gotten that from the text he sent me and that he needs to be clearer by what he’s trying to get across. He responded saying, fine and if you call again you need to text me about what it’s about! I thought there was an emergency or something because you never call”. I couldn’t believe that he turned it all back on me like I did something wrong for calling and not explaining why I called, maybe he should have just answered his phone and he would of found out? Or called me right away instead of texting hours later. What if it was a fucking emergency!? That’s your response time?? If I thought there might be an emergency you can bet your ass I’d answer that call or call back right away.

Later Saturday and last night while Hunter was at work he tried hard to sext with me again and it was so so hard not to just yell at him about it. I couldn’t have been any clearer the week before about what I didn’t like and within a week was already playing mind games and crossing the line of trying to overly sext with me. He started asking me “what would make you wild”, “what are you going to wear for me”, “want to go to sex store tmrw?” (I have to drive an hour away to go there though, he couldn’t be bothered driving for once). I kept just kind of giving one word answers and eventually I just told him goodnight. I’m just so frustrated with him and our whole relationship.

I’ve been going over a lot of stories and details with my mom this weekend. I decided to fill her in because I was going crazy trying to organize my thoughts and it just wasn’t working for me. She thinks we’re not good for each other and I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him all weekend. It’s just hard when we only have set days to see each other, he’s coming over to my house tonight but I’d rather break things off when we’re at his house so I don’t have to hope that he willingly leaves my house and that way I can just leave.

I did a tarot reading on myself last night with a true love spread. I believe that the cards I pull and interpret are my inner feelings, not so much mystical spirits or anything. The spread basically pointed out everything I’ve been feeling, that I have a negative view of our relationship, that I’m being held back and controlled and that the relationship is just bad in general. I had two cards fall when I was shuffling and I always set those ones aside as a sort of post script message. One card was very negative about love specifically and the other one was very positive about love specifically (not many cards are dedicated specifically to represent love). I took them to mean that if I were to stay in this relationship that I wouldn’t be happy and that love would be synonymous with depression and if I moved on, I would find true love, lightness, fertility, and other great things that are important to me. It makes me feel like maybe I really am on the wrong path with Hunter. My mom is convinced that all of his family members have a disorder of some sort and now there’s no way to un see that, because there is definitely something majorly wrong with their lives in general, their relationships to each other, their relationships with others; its all just so unhealthy.

With Hunter the best comparison I can come up with to explain his thinking is to compare him and his family to the Stanford Rapist and his family. He sees himself as a victim and takes no responsibility and his family backs him up for that behaviour! Everyone he hurts deserves it for one reason or another in his eyes and it’s just not the way the world works!!! I feel like he has a narcissistic disorder that he can’t even recognize that he has, he sees nothing wrong with the way he has treated me and others (including his own family).

The biggest things holding me back from just ending things are that I have no social life outside of Hunter and his family, I’m afraid he’ll reveal things about me that might come back to haunt me, and that I’m 28 and so I might not have another opportunity to start a family before I’m too old. Because my thought process; let’s say I meet someone a year from now, we’ll probably date for two or three years before a proposal, another year for the wedding, so I’ll be around 33-35 before I can even start thinking about having kids and that’s only if I meet someone within a year from now… I was single for almost 4 years before I started dating Hunter. So even more realistically I’ll probably just miss my window to have kids all together. My mom was trying to be supportive yesterday and said, “well a lot of people just have babies on their own now a days!” that did not help.

I was thinking last night as well, that if there was another guy available that was interested in me who had a softer heart and shared more of my interests how fast would I move on to him from Hunter. And in my mind it doesn’t take long to make that decision. Which I guess tells me right there that I’m ready to move on whether there’s a better guy waiting for me or not.

I just want to be happy again, I want to stop crying all the time, I want to stop walking on egg shells and editing everything I say and do; I just want to be me again.

 

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