Reflections from day-to-day

June 16th 2016

It’s been a while since I’ve posted in here! I saw something on Facebook today that just boiled my blood about women breastfeeding in public. I’m sure everyone has already seen the video that went viral today, but basically a woman breastfeeding her baby openly at a store was berated my a man who called her a “whore” and “disgusting” for breastfeeding her new born baby; the man was eventually escorted out by security. I’ve read through a lot of comments and feelings about the situation from well seasoned moms, new mothers, and the general public and I feel like most of these people still miss the point.

Most of their arguments start with something like – she should of been covered, obviously that guy was creepy, staring too long and sexualizing the situation. If I were her I’d at least put a towel over myself. But I noticed that no one really turned the conversation back to men in general about public “nudity” and what men seem to be allowed to do with no judgement.

I personally feel that something has gone so wrong with our species as a whole when it comes to the human body. All humans when in the womb developing as a fetus start with the XX Chromosome; and therefore, every single human starts off as… FEMALE! It isn’t until later in the development that the XX Chromosome either stays the same or changes into the XY Chromosome. This developmental fact is the reason all men have nipples; nipples that serve no purpose, that developed just in case they were to become women who might need those nipples one day to keep a child healthy and alive. People have developed this way since the beginning of mankind. Women have literally been breastfeeding since the beginning of time because their nipples served and still serve an incredibly important purpose! I know it’s hard for some people to visualize the beginning of mankind, but breasts at one point were literally just biologically engineered as a tool to keep babies alive and believe it or not… breasts were not sexualized objects for the pleasure of men! I don’t understand how a species that all start off as literal females can create such a divide between two genders for the sake of control and superiority. Is it a man complex (and not all men obviously, but enough to repress women for thousands of years) that they feel the need to distance themselves as far away from their female womb roots as possible for fear they may once again become one?

“Won’t somebody please think of the children!” – Helen Lovejoy

Why is it socially humanly acceptable to watch, for example, the beautiful moments between a new born calf and it’s mother, the calf then pulling at her utter to latch onto a tit to nourish itself. Human women only have two nipples, cows have four how shameful! Why is it easy to explain a cows scandalously exposed utter and a new born calf feeding from it to children; but utterly (excuse the pun) impossible to explain to children that a human woman openly feeding her baby is for the exact same reasons!?? I plan to breastfeed my kids, I plan to normalize breastfeeding to my kids when they inquire about it, I plan to tell them how breasts create milk and how they were designed for that purpose alone, that women can make their own decisions on how and when to breastfeed, that breastfeeding is normal, that it’s beautiful and a part of the human experience. That it bonds mother and child, that the milk produces enzymes to protect the baby, to make the immune system stronger. I’d also ask them, if they think they would enjoy eating their meals in a bathroom beside someone who might be pooping, eating in a very hot/very cold car, eating uncomfortably & becoming upset yourself because you can feel how scared and upset your mom feels even though you can’t yet comprehend why. Maybe a lot of anxiety comes from scared moms feeding their babies and expecting ramifications which passes on to the infant?

If we set breastfeeding aside for a minute and just literally concentrate on female breasts and “man boobs” there’s just so much that doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand why if I go to a beach that I stand the chance of being called a whore, of being stared at and sexualized, and so many other negative scenarios if I take my top off. If I decide it is my legal right to go topless (and get less tan lines!) then I would have to put aside the entire reason I went to the beach (swim, tan & relax), and would instead have to defend myself from men and women alike. But a man, who could be literally three cup sizes bigger breasted than I am, is expected, encouraged, supported to go topless. No one gives those men a second thought for being less clothed. If we look a little deeper, why do men take their shirts off anyway? Most likely because they are uncomfortable, hot and sweaty, would like to get a little more colour, because they like the way the sun and sand feels on their skin, because of a beautiful breeze they need to cool down, etc.

So why do women have to endure the bikini top if they don’t have to (it’s legal for women to be topless in Ontario), so that they can enjoy those comforts as well? Because of small minded sheep who can’t figure out why it’s wrong to control the bodies of OTHER people. If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it yourself and that’s all you need to worry about. Instead, women get to endure the lovely sensation of sand in their bikini tops (and trying to discretely pick it out without offending anyone or letting a nipple slip), sweaty under boobs, uneven tan lines, bikini tie ups digging into the back, tight straps to keep those boobs up high enough to please everyone’s social expectations of excessive sexy cleavage (which is always super sweaty and uncomfortable as well, I know my neck starts to hurt after about 1o minutes of that). We endure this all for the sake of not offending, not getting lectured, not being told what’s good for us, etc.; so that complete strangers, who have no impact on our lives, who don’t know us, who have no business talking to us, will just leave us the fuck alone. It is our legal right as a human being to have our breasts out, just like that triple G breasted man that’s always at the beach (you know the one) exposing his lovely, voluptuous, curvaceous, perfectly rounded breasts for all to not give two shits about; and that’ how it should be for the female body as well.

I feel like there’s just such a combination of influences keeping women from feeling secure enough to do something “so radical” like going topless:

How the Media portrays the perfect female body; and therefore, being too ashamed to reveal an imperfect body without fear of, god forbid, showing a bit of cellulite, uneven breasts, imperfect nipples, big thighs, stretch marks, etc. (even though every person’s body on Earth has imperfections and flaws) just so we don’t accidentally offend someone we don’t know with our literal body (how sad and demeaning to self esteem is that?) So that strangers don’t judge us for wanting to be comfortable, happy and in tune with ourselves. So that people we’ve never met don’t take pictures of us and post them online for the sole purpose of ridicule. It’s really hard to please everyone but fuck do we ever try to stay out of the lime light, to keep quiet, covered, modest, invisible and obedient.

All religion’s teachings of modesty and obedience infuriates me to no end; all bibles, the Quran, Buddhist texts, and all other denominational writings are ALL MAN MADE! There’s no man in the sky telling men “make sure to write this down!”, that women are not equal and should live by a separate list of rules and regulations to appease the men in their surroundings to make a god happy (I personally feel that a god would be much happier if men & women alike didn’t start wars, didn’t contribute to global warming, didn’t rape, didn’t pillage, didn’t bomb refugee camps and hospitals, didn’t shoot people, didn’t mass murder, didn’t create genocides & holocausts, didn’t capture and endanger animals, didn’t contribute to slavery of all kinds, didn’t contribute to homophobia & hate crimes, didn’t threaten global annihilation with weapons of destruction that shouldn’t exist but do, didn’t contribute to acting on their pedophilia, stopped creating divides between the rich and the poor resulting in more unhappiness and insecurity, and so on, unfortunately). And to add to the uncertainty and unfairness lets add thousands and thousands of other “holy texts” written by humans for humans, with totally different demands for how women should live all around the world because that should work out well for us… If there is a god, gods, immortal beings, extra-terrestrial space lords, flying spaghetti monsters, or the universe itself; why in the hell would they waste their time creating two separate lists on how men Vs. women should live? Why would they make us make a list and write down rules at all for anyone? If something did create us, don’t you think they would have made us exactly how they wanted to? exactly how they want us to behave, act like, look like, walk like, talk like, etc.? Why would we want to follow gods that punish us for our gender, race, location, income, etc. when they could of just made us all 100% equal A-sexual men, that can live forever, on a sunshiny planet with one ocean and one big even plot of land (divinely divided up so there’s no war), and so there’s no sex, no need for breastfeeding or eating for that matter, no gender issues, no babies, no anuses and penises, just Ken dolls enjoying their topless freedoms aimlessly living their infinite meaningless lives the way “god” intended.

I took a media class a long time ago that dived into the issue that women are not only sexualized as a whole body, but also sexualized by their parts; as if those parts aren’t even part of an actual entire body connected to a real life person with a face, feelings, & aspirations. Breasts are a perfect example of that, when female breasts are shown in the media, the focus of the lens always seems to make sure that the lighting, angle, zoom enhances that specific body part for all on lookers to admire. So we are even more objectified and taught through our social outlets that if you’re going to succeed as a woman, you better make sure you’re boobs are perfect otherwise people won’t admire you and no one will notice you. Isn’t that ironic? Make sure you’ve got the most marvelous tits in all the land… but make sure you don’t show them to anyone. But make sure you wear super revealing clothes and bikini tops. But be ready for conservatives, other women, pilgrims, religious loons & others to belittle you for your breasts. Also, make sure to spend your money wisely since you don’t make as much as men; a good investment for you would be a boob job, that will take you far. When men make you uncomfortable for your now beautiful and perfect double D’s make sure to flirt and be kind to the men making motorboat jokes to your face and asking you to touch them because “they’re fake” after all and they want to know what they feel like; I mean, it would be just so awful to offend anyone and to stand up for yourself and your body image.

The fact that it’s the 21st century and that women have literally had boobs and used them to keep baby females and baby males alive since the dawn of time; and still as a woman, you have to accept the fact that you’re breasts (that you’ve developed and had since puberty on your own body) will most likely be publicly shamed for feeding an infant around other humans. & ironically, humans who have all been kept alive through their infant stage in their own life by their own mothers who produced their own breast milk (or simulations of breast milk and formula which was inspired by breast milk production and nutrition) that came from…you guessed it! BREASTS! It’s all just so awe inspiring in the worst, despicable, and unsettling kind of way.

I am so ashamed to be a part of this species and therefore related to anyone who shames others over their own body beliefs and morals- how hard is it to understand that other people have their own bodies that they have the pleasure of controlling & NOT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE!?!? We are only here for a small period of time and this is what people are doing with their lives? Arguing, fighting and dying over what other people are doing with their own bodies. Really? These are individual bodies that all of us have had all our lives, no one else has lived in your body or has gone through all the things that you and your body have gone through.

No one has the right to control any literal body besides their own. Period.

ertwtr

June 22nd 2015

I was really looking forward to the weekend last Friday because I hadn’t been sleeping well, I felt really stressed out and my parents drama was starting to get to me. I was excited to spend some quality time alone with Hunter which rarely happens and have a few drinks with him out on the boat. Friday night and Saturday were really good and relaxing so I felt better for that. Saturday night however turned ugly really fast though unfortunately. We decided to take the boat out of the water that night because it was supposed to storm later that night. When we tied the boat up to the launch the mosquitoes were absolutely insane. Hunter soon discovered too that his truck window was skewed and that it wasn’t working properly. We were both in a mood pretty quick considering how long he took to get the boat onto the trailer with the amount of bugs out and he was upset about the bugs and his window. On our way back to his place I was complaining about how insane the mosquitoes were and how bad they got me. He started yelling at me that he was getting attacked by them too and that he got it just as bad as I did. He also went on and took it too far by yelling that I was a whiny and annoying person and that I again somehow managed to ruin his weekend by complaining.

When we got to his house I unloaded the boat in record time, ran inside and put more things away, ran back out and helped Hunter tarp the boat; and then ran to the bathroom, turned the shower on and cried. Afterwards I sucked it up as best as I could, and I headed straight for bed and cried some more.

Hunter came in and seemed back to himself and tried to make small talk with me a few minutes after I called it a night. He got upset that I was already in bed and so he ended up just letting me sleep and doing his own thing. I had a really hard time sleeping since I couldn’t stop crying and feeling like I wanted to die. I kept hoping throughout the night that I would get a brain aneurism and pass away in my sleep. That way it wouldn’t be a selfish suicide it would just be something natural that no one could of detected. I just felt so useless and like everything I do is just so wrong and stupid. I had a really horrible sleep and kept to the very edge of the bed so that I wouldn’t even touch Hunter by accident.

In the morning he acted like nothing was wrong and tried to cuddle and hold me. I just pretended to still be really tired and sleepy so I didn’t banter back with him. I did my best to just stay quiet and to keep to myself for as long as I could throughout the day. Eventually though it just got to the point where I either had to speak up or get over it. I didn’t want to further ruin our weekend so I just sucked it up; I wasn’t happy about it but it was easier then creating a big fight over his earlier comments to me.

I was planning on heading home last night but Hunter really pushed for me to stay. He really wanted me around to have more time together because he’s working a lot of overtime this month and I won’t see him for a couple of weeks now.

I’m actually really looking forward to just having me time, where I don’t have to cook for and entertain Hunter at all this week and I can just look after myself. I’m hoping to feel more myself soon, but right now I still feel like dissapearing off of the face of the planet. Especially since this past weekend one of my past flings just got married. I still have him on facebook, and we were never anything serious so it never phased me when he moved on and got engaged to his now wife. I also don’t have any feelings for him like that, but I was really jealous at how happy him and his new wife looked in their photos, and how they managed to already get to that stage in their lives. I just feel so stuck, like my life is just stagnate and not going anywhere, while everyone else is getting to travel, get married, buy houses and make babies. If I knew that in a couple of years I would get there too that would make a big difference, but at this point it feels like I’m never going to get to do those things. So my life feels really meaningless at the moment; and apparently all I do is ruin things for everyone because I’m apparently a huge fuck up, so it’s hard to not just take the money I have right now and run away.

June 1st 2015

Last week Hunter asked me to come over for the weekend to watch his dog for him since he was working his day shifts and his parents were going away so they couldn’t help out. At first I only agreed to come over on Saturday but he told me that if I wanted to I could come over Friday night too. I felt a bit at a loss because two weeks ago I came over after he had worked his day shift and we had our fight; and one of the things he mentioned was that he hated when I came over on those days. I swore right then and there that I would never come over on one of those days again… but here we were two weeks later and he was inviting me over to help him out. I reluctantly agreed to come over for the whole weekend to show him how good of a girlfriend I am & to make sure his dog was well taken care of.

The whole weekend went so much better then I expected! Nothing bad happened and that is a rarity lately. I basically played wifey and had his dinner ready when he got home Friday night, I cleaned and did chores around the house for him. On Saturday he showed me that he cared by leaving me a surprise thank you note and a pair of earrings for my troubles, and even ordered pizza for us to thank me for dinner the night before. It was such a sweet gesture that I was really impressed with his demeanor considering I was expecting to get no recognition for helping out and a grumpy guy wanting me out of his space when he got home.

The only thing that kind of bothered me, was myself when Hunter left his phone right by me and while he went to take a shower. It took so much self control not to go into it, I wanted to look at it so bad. It’s such a strong compulsion, and it gives me such a high but I left it alone and didn’t even touch it. I kept telling myself that either I wasn’t going to find anything and feel better for a second, but it won’t stop me from looking again. And if I do find something, I wouldn’t be able to leave because I’d had a few drinks. Also, even if I had found something but was able to suppress it, Hunter would probably know I looked at his phone. I have a feeling it was a bit of a test on his part because he’s aware that I know his password and that I have a tendency to peek when there’s an opportunity. Frig though I still feel like kicking myself for not looking, even though I’m sure it was for the best.

Besides that though, everything went very smoothly, nothing bad happened and Hunter was such a pleasure to be around. I even get to see him again tonight; it’s probably the most we’ve ever seen each other in a single week which is awesome. I wish we could see each other everyday, hopefully that will happen eventually.

May 28th 2015

I had a really nice summer evening last night, having beers and good conversations with Hunter while we hung out on the back deck. Everything about last night was perfectly fine except for one little comment that rubbed me the wrong way, could of been the beer but it still bothers me. We were catching the beginning of a new show where two families are given a crazy amount of money and have to decide if they want to keep it all or donate some to the other family. Hunter mentioned that if he received all that money he would spend $80,000.00 on a yacht. It was just a hypothetical situation but I asked him why he wouldn’t invest in a house with me since he still lives at home (and the show was based off of families receiving the money, not individuals). Instead of him just agreeing with me or saying that the yacht was a better lifestyle choice hypothetically; he got mad at me for insinuating that I would live with him and that I had the nerve to place myself in this hypothetical future bubble of his.

I completely understand why he wants to live alone because he has never had that experience; but I don’t get why his wanting to live alone is seeming more and more like a forever thing… Like he doesn’t see a future with me at all, and his long term goals don’t include me. I’m probably reading too much into this since it’s literally all a hypothetical situation; but he made me feel like a short term commitment and that I wasn’t worth even considering as a future possibility. This is so frustrating too because when I think about the future he’s included in all my made up scenarios and he’s definitely a leading role in them too.

Today’s been pretty boring so far at work besides working up my insecurities with Hunter in my mind, so hard to focus on anything else when there’s nothing else to do. My boss even left already for the day because it’s that slow. I’m just kind of stuck wondering what Hunter really thinks of me and if he thinks that our relationship now is how he wants it to be forever. Basically just a part time relationship where we’ll never see each other for more than a couple days in a row and text more than talk. It’s really making me think and I’m thinking that I really want to bring this up to him!

May 27th 2015

Today started out like most weekdays, up at 7am to start getting ready for work, nothing out of the ordinary. This morning I dealt with clients and contract amendments and got all of that sorted. I met with a client to pick out some of the features they wanted in their home. I forwarded some important information to my boss and made sure to keep him in the loop since we were waiting on a permit to build.

My boss this week so far has seemed to lighten up a lot, he even bought a case of beer and brought it to the office because he had a friend stopping in for a drink. It was nice to actually talk about anything else with him then building and construction timelines. He even gave me a little bonus today for all the hard work I’ve been putting in lately and getting a lot accomplished; which I appreciate so much, every little bit helps!

I did have a bit of a mishap though where I told him the municipality had sent some previsions along with the permit, but it turned out it was the certified permit from the health unit. When I showed him the paperwork he told me what it was and who it was from and that the provisions on there were basic things to take care of eventually; the main thing was that he had the permit. But instead of just moving on, he came back multiple times saying things like, “yeah definitely nothing in here from the municipality” and then he’d leave for five minutes before coming back and saying something like “those provisions aren’t from the municipality” and trying to re-iterate that I was obviously wrong. It was an honest mistake and everything is fine so I don’t understand why he feels the need to lecture me so much – I GET IT!

But overall, that isn’t a big thing either and I’ve had a pretty good day and week so far. Tonight, I’m supposed to drive my mum to an appointment somewhere and I’m expecting to get more information on what’s going on with the divorce, and see where things are at so far. Hunter is also coming over for lasagna and a movie night which I’m really looking forward to and I just have to pick up a few things before then.

****

I decided to write some daily passing thoughts and events that happen to me as they come. Might maybe help clear my head a bit more then my main blog rants and perceptions.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s